Have you ever eaten day old doughnuts? On Purpose?
If you ever want to realize how sad your life has become, go to a doughnut shop at 8pm. Now to be fair, there are a lot of people in there just drinking coffee, a perfectly acceptable reason. I prefer alcohol, but I can’t fault someone for chatting it up over some coffee instead of drinking their faces off on a Monday night. Of course, I have no excuse, I do not drink coffee. This is a clear, premeditated assault on my body.
Really nothing says giving up like eating fried breakfast pastries at night. Does it help or hurt my case that this journey into the fat guy abyss was directly preceded by working out? Subconsciously, I think I worked out a little harder with the possibility of these doughnuts coming my way. By subconsciously, I mean of course I thought about these fucking doughnuts the whole goddamn time I was on that treadmill. I’m like a horse with a carrot. Only roughly 85 times more useless.
This cannot be sane behavior. I’m not a pregnant woman; sure I’ve stolen her disgusting gut but I don’t think that’s the same. (Yes, pregnant people are gross, but that is irrelevant.) I should not be having cravings and following up on them like my life depends on it. If I was listening to a friend tell me about them doing this, my face would be an even mix of disgust and pity. Then I would kick them square in the dick. Because I care.
Doughnuts are so unwanted past 6pm that they are half price. The place closes in a few hours and really they are just trying to rid themselves of these awful things. The guys at the market next door are coming in and taking their pick for free. Good Samaritans are volunteering to bring the leftovers to nearby homeless people. Then I walk in in gym shorts and t shirt. “Uh, can I have 2 chocolate glazed?” No coffee. Nothing to hide the shame. I thought about it too. Just buy a drink, it won’t seem as awkward. Like going into a CVS to buy condoms, you gotta throw in a magazine, pack of batteries, and a Butterfinger. Make it blend in. Nothing to see here…. Of course, if you buy the condoms and nothing else, just stand there with that goofy grin on your face, worst case scenario, the girl behind the counter thinks this fat kid is getting laid tonight. I assure you, no one is thinking this when you are standing there just buying doughnuts at 8pm.
I didn’t eat the doughnuts that night. Well I had a bite. Shocker (fuck you). But again, I had dinner waiting, so I saved those bad boys for breakfast the next day. How were they you may ask? Have you ever looked at a pile of rocks and asked yourself what would those feel like sitting in my stomach? Then did you say fuck it and ate them anyway? No, you probably haven’t. Because you’re not a fat piece of crap.