Fuck you sir. Sir, of course is the asshole who likes to park wherever the fuck he’d like . Blocking the entrance to work, ah who cares about anyone else getting in and out of the parking lot? See crossing yellow lines? Really, what’s the chance of a fire? It takes a real self-involved piece of shit to see 300 other cars all parked in other actual spaces and say, whatever, I do what I want. Oh what’s that, a Planet Fitness sticker on your back windshield? Glad you care so much about exercising that you can’t walk the extra 100 feet that it would take if you if you parked in an actual spot. Fat ass.
And speaking of Planet Fitness, why are these lazy bastards doing the same thing in their parking lot too? It’s a fucking gym. A gym that has a barrel outside so that you can throw away the remnants of your McDonalds lunch before walking in guiltily, but a gym nonetheless. Do yourself a favor and park just a little further away, as a fellow fat ass I promise it’s not that bad. You don’t have park on the grass like it’s a high school kegger. You don’t need to follow someone to their car like you’re at the mall on the day before Christmas. I admit that I’m a truly lazy person sometimes (always). I can’t count how many times a day (7) that I really want something but let it go because I can’t reach for it within a 2 foot radius. But this parking shit is bad. “Setting up a cooler in the living room” bad. “Watching the same Ronco infomercial back to back because you’re too lazy to find the remote” bad. “Pissing in an empty Gatorade bottle instead of getting out of bed” bad. Park in a spot and walk, you lazy shits.
Sometimes I think about what it would be like to take my car and just do whatever the hell I want. A friend asks me to pick them up and I’m driving right up to the fucking door. Like I give a shit about your lawn. Sick of waiting in traffic? Screw it, you jerks behind me can worry about this, I’m walking the rest of the way. Go park it up your ass, I ain’t ever coming back. Can’t fit between those two cars on the street? Just go in sideways like Lucille Bluth.
But you can’t just do what you want, or else you’d have people taking their pants off in the conference room, chatting it up in the elevator, and admitting that they really don’t actually like Radiohead (feel free to insert Fun, Nirvana, Led Zeppelin, hell anyone except The Beatles, they’ll never be off limits). It would be pandemonium. I do know if we suddenly can do whatever we want, I’m coming after you Park Wherever You Want Guy, watch your tires and your butt. And fuck you Planet Fitness, I’m changing by the front desk and shitting on the treadmill. No rules, stay classy.