50 Shades of Bullshit

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No this isn’t a review of that book.  I never read it, so I won’t judge. (Fuck that, I’m sure it was a steaming pile of garbage).  But this is an observation that I’ve made, and I cannot be the only one.  Roughly one half of women have read this book (don’t google check that) and it seems to be some wild stuff that everyone is enjoying.   BDSM, spanking, sexual control, blah blah kinky buzz words.  It’s exciting to be talking openly about this sexual behavior, liberating even.  Except, of course, if you have a penis.

I say this not to condescend women.  Your gender has had to pretend that you don’t like sex for way too long, so let that shit out.  My gripe is with the guys who discuss this with their girlfriend, co-workers, friends, etc. and are playing the shocked and intrigued card.  I recently overheard a couple talking about how they both read it and the guy, let’s call him Chip, was going on about how racy it was.  Chip had apparently never heard anything so explicit in his life.

Funny thing.  Chip is a guy. Presumably he’s had the internet for the last 15 years or so.  And he’s honestly telling everyone that he’s still excited and a little embarrassed by reading about dirty talk and spanking.  Last night, like every night, I’m sure he was watching videos of nice young women having their male counterpart performing all over them.  And then his friend performing all over her.  And then 30 more friends doing the same.  But spanking is crossing the line for Chip?

I think I realized the internet was a truly vile place when at the age of 13, my friends and I downloaded a picture of a…adult model.  She wasn’t wearing much of a shirt, but what she was doing was more interesting.  How do I put this delicately…she was choking up on a baseball bat worse than Derek Jeter with 2 strikes (hint: she wasn’t using her hands).  There is no turning back.  You can’t un-see this stuff.

Without much effort, you can find videos of guys dressed like aliens having aggressive sex with earth and/or space women, couples of all ages doing it while covered in creamed corn, strippers being fellated by multiple women while dressed as furry animals, and of course men and women pissing and shitting all over each other.  And if videos aren’t your thing, say you’re a classy dame/gent, don’t worry there are countless erotic literature sites.  Here you can read about things such as intercourse with androids, playtime with horses, having anonymous sex with multiple strangers, and everyone’s favorite: rape. (Trust me I do not endorse this, but wow are there a lot of non-consent fantasies out there.)

So…let me just end with this. Shut the fuck up Chip. We all know you watch footjob videos, read stories about other guys plowing your wife, and let’s not even get into any of the shit you like that comes from Japan.  Quit pretending that you’re just one of the girls. You’re not innocent. None of us are.

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