Bottle Openers


Recently, I realized everyone I know is a drunk.  Maybe that’s not fair.  I’ve been to events recently that call for drinking: weddings, barbeques, bowling, Monday nights… I’m stopping now.  Sometimes when I start forgetting things, I think maybe I should change my ways.  But then I’ll find some validation for my behavior by realizing that I’m no worse than anyone else in this sad drunk world. The latest example: Why does everyone I know have a bottle opener on their keys?

Whether you’re the one key on a lanyard type, or the one giant clusterfuck of a keyring with every key you own type, there’s a good chance that if you’re between 18 and 45 you have a bottle opener key chain.  It may be disguised as a mini guitar or a palm tree but they all serve the same purpose.  Even that one set of keys that’s for your ex bfs apartment that you secretly kept and you ‘ll never use again (but maybe, you never know…please take me back), even those keys have a bottle opener.  Somehow in the world of tiny handbags and skinny jeans, space becomes more and more limited, but we still all need that one essential item on our person at all times. The Bottle Opener.  Drunks.

Seriously, when’s the last time you asked if anyone has an opener and at least 5 people didn’t chuck something at you? There’s really nothing else that comes up in our lives as much as opening bottles?  I remember people always having pens and stuff with them when we were younger.  We used have to write shit down all the time, but I guess pens are useless now because most of that can be done electronically.  Smartphones have changed the world to the point where you no longer need a watch, map, camera, or stereo, but how can you enjoy any of that without opening a bottle of beer. So now we have that now too.

If bottle openers really do say something about us, I’m glad that I’m not alone.  Although it does seem weird that they are most often found on car keys, you know, the only time when you shouldn’t be drinking. (Wait you’re saying there are times other than driving that this is not acceptable….I don’t follow.)  Anyway, I’m glad that we are a drunk, but honest society.  We know that if we get lost in the woods a Swiss army knife or flashlight won’t help our sorry asses.  No tools or weapons will give us comfort.  We’re goners.  I accept this, so why bother carrying the extra supplies?  Just don’t put me in a position where I have a ton of beers and no way to gloriously free them into my belly.  That scenario just seems both totally likely and completely unbearable to me.


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