I was watching Hitch the other day, because it was on TV.  It’s always on TV.  It’s approaching The Mummy territory, where you can turn on basic cable on any given weekend and get your fill of Brendan Fraser’s glorious acting.  Anyway, I’m watching Hitch, and I just can’t help thinking…I don’t get it.  I’m not an idiot, I understand the plot, not too challenging.  But seriously, why does Allegra Cole end up with Albert?

I don’t want to dig down too deep into the feminist arguments why every female character is unbelievable and poorly written; there are far better writers who have tackled this before me.  But movies still need to appeal to basic human logic.  And my logic reads: What the hell is she doing with this fat nerdy guy?  Maybe I’m just too shallow to understand this, but all those little moments that build to their relationship…they will never happen.   If you see the female physical equivalent of Kevin James, are you bothering to find out if they have any other redeemable qualities?  NO.  Maybe if they seem funny right away, you’ll think, I like this person.  I want them to be my friend (Yes, your inner monologue is a robot).  But you are surely not dating them; this is not even on the table.  Because they eat so much the table is already full (ba-dum ching).

I don’t know if men are shallower than women, but in the movie world women will look into your soul and find some inner beauty, even if you’re 200 pounds overweight and your face looks like a foot.  I don’t mean to be a traitor to my gender, but there are no guys who are  doing this even in dumb movie plots, let alone real life.  Let me make this clear, I’m not urging guys to be more accepting and try to get past women’s obesity issues and marry fat, I’m not a big enough person (puns are fun).   But I would urge guys to lose some fucking weight instead of relying on your overrated sense of humor (Seriously, who doesn’t consider themselves funny?) .  In Hitch, Albert just needed to get Allegra to notice him so that she would fall for him.  What kind of logic suggests that all you have to do is get noticed by someone that you think is really hot and that they will want to date you?  All the girl will notice is that your fat ass is blocking their view of someone better looking.

I know these movies raise can expectations for guys;  you think you can be overweight, ugly, or both and still find a superhot and surprisingly lovable girl to spend the rest of your life with (Or they break up 2 weeks later, we never see an epilogue so who knows how long it will last).  But I wonder if these films distort women’s views on men too.  They might think that every fat guy has a heart of gold (false), that every ugly guy deserves a chance (false), and that if you are super attractive, you don’t need to have any other redeemable qualities because people will obsess over you anyway (that one is probably true).  In reality, girls wise up over time and realize attractive guys can be nice and fat guys can suck, even if its taboo to admit it.    I just want a girl to come out say, this movie doesn’t work; I would never give this guy and chance and have her not look like a bitch.  Am I the only person who would enjoy watching Allegra Cole telling people to fuck off because she actually had standards?  Ok, sure the movie would suck, and I probably wouldn’t truly enjoy it, but at least I would believe it.

Maybe I’ve just seen too many films and have just become disillusioned by the whole experience.  I grew up watching every attempt at this movie stereotype (I even tried to write a couple) where the guy is trying to win the heart of some girl that’s out of his league.   As a fat ugly kid who couldn’t talk to girls, I found this to be both therapeutic and inspirational.  Now as an adult who is less fat, still ugly, and has a girl, I can’t help but cheer against them.  “Get it together, you pathetic turd.”  “Baaah I hope she breaks your fucking heart.”   My favorite scene in any teen romantic comedy is from “Can’t Hardly Wait”.  The girl rips into this poor bastard so hard, and these days I just laugh hysterically.  That may be mean and unfair, but is it any less fair than trying to convince women that they should be with some fat slob with bad dance moves?   Should women just swoon because some obsessive creep finally gets her to notice him?  “But he has a good heart!”  Yeah, one that will stop beating in 10 years because he didn’t take care of himself.  Lose some weight fucking weight Albert, and then come talk to me.


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