I like Yoga pants because I can see your vagina…. No, no that’s just crass, and my girlfriend (ex girlfriend after this?) is probably reading along. Let me start again. Have you ever noticed when a girl is wearing yoga pants you can see her vagina? There. Now that’s the classy opening I was looking for.
I don’t know when Yoga Pants became a thing. I’m in my late 20s now so I don’t pick up on trends too quickly anymore (what the fuck is instagram?). But one day not that long ago, it struck me that a large percentage of women were wearing yoga pants. “What are these tight fitting pants all these females are wearing?” Yoga pants. “But we’re at the mall?” That doesn’t matter. “But why is everyone wearing them?” Because they make your butt look good. “Cool”. I don’t remember the exact conversation, but I imagine it went something like that. (Note to self: work on communication skills) Upon having this general conversation every guy has a new found interest in women’s athletic wear. I’m not immune.
So girls are wear tight fitting pants everywhere because they can turn your flat-ass into a badonadonk (oh, the kids aren’t using that word anymore, my apologies, old guy here). I guess this doesn’t work for everyone; if you are really overweight, you just can’t contain all that butt into yoga pants gracefully. Don’t worry, I’m sure you can still buy large sweatpants with juicy written on the back and hope someone is fooled. But Yoga Pants’ illusionary properties are amazing. Somehow these pants by being tighter make you seem in shape. The only male equivalent that I can think of is a really tight t-shirt if you’re sorta-kinda-almost in shape. You wear that to the gym, do a few reps, and you feel like you’re jacked out of your mind. Hey! Hey Ladies! Can’t you see my pecks bursting through my shirt? Good, now let me walk away and stop sucking in my beer gut. And Breeeathe…
But let’s not beat around the bush (terrible), the emergence of Yoga Pants has ushered in a generation of C-toeing that we’ve never experienced. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think women are championing this fashion choice just to flaunt the labia. I get it, these pants are comfortable. But if guys wore pants that did the same thing, we would probably be arrested. Guys, picture yourself, or girls, picture your guy, or if you’re a lesbian pick any guy, just don’t picture me (haha, now you’re going to picture me!)…where the hell was I? Oh yeah, picture a guy wearing the most form fitting pants available, just taking a casual stroll in the park (as guys regularly do), with his casual bulge just shining through. If he tells you these are just the most comfortable pants he has, are you seriously going to accept that it? No fucking way. Dude, these pants could feel so good that you owe them breakfast, but you can’t just go walking around with your dick visible in public. Even if no one has the balls to tell me that mine are showing, I’d still feel pretty uncomfortable knowing that strangers can see the outline of my junk. I don’t care how comfortable these banana smugglers feel.
I’ve been told that you can avoid the exposure by getting yoga pants an extra size bigger, but I imagine there is a tradeoff between less vag showing versus more ass definition. I know the tradeoff for guys would be clearer; comfortable pants versus not going to prison for being a sex offender. I’m not really sure what my point is on all of this though. Should girls not wear yoga pants? Should guys be allowed to wear (protruding dick) yoga pants? I don’t know. I guess I’ve just seen too many form fitted crotches lately to wrap my brain around a clear conclusion.