No. Seriously. Who the fuck wants to go on a date? I haven’t been on a date in a long time. I haven’t needed to because I found someone who settled loves me and for who I am, and for that I am truly lucky. Because going on a first date with someone seems like cruel and unusual punishment. Or at least awkward as hell. Note: This only applies to real first dates; if you were friends first or worked with someone for years, then go fuck yourself consider yourselves lucky as well. This has to be a blind date type situation i.e. friends setting you up, first date after meeting at bar, or first encounter after online dating. (cat fishing excluded)
Remember that time you went to that party where you didn’t know anyone and you had to keep small- talking your way through 3 hours. Now swap those 12 potentially interesting people with 1 option and no real way to run away from them if it isn’t working out (lemon law?) That’s a lot of pressure to make sure this night doesn’t get started off wrong. So what the hell are you going to open with? “So how do you know Bob?” Great now we gotta talk about this asshole for 20 minutes. “Have trouble finding the place?” Yes, because this girl is a moron. Oh, you used the GPS on your phone. Wow, like everyone else on the planet would. Good job guy, you are learning a lot about this girl. “You eat here before?” No fucko, you’re breaking new ground with Chilis.
Once you get past the formalities, people need to know what you do for a living. Unfortunately, most people’s jobs are just not that interesting. You see your friends and family, and as soon as they start rambling on about work you tune the fuck out. Meet a pretty girl and that’s the first thing you want to hear about? Yep, phone calls, customer support, got it. Office crap, uh uh, something something. Is it too early to order a 2nd drink? Enough of this shit. “Got any Hobbies?” This is the real turning point. Assuming the first answer wasn’t unemployed, taxidermist, or p-tute, you’re going to find out a little bit more about compatibility. Oh you both love soccer, indie music, and Jesus. GREAT, nothing else matters. She loves Lady Gaga, coach bags, and babies. hmmmm…. How hot is this girl in the daylight?
I guess people use online dating to filter out some of this now. And I think that’s awesome. You can’t stop people from lying (yes that includes using your picture from 5 years ago fatty), but you can potentially save yourself a lot of time and trouble weeding out just god awful choices. Politics, music, future plans, agreeableness to golden showers, whatever the deal breakers are for you, might as well list them online instead of chugging your 3rd margarita and deciding on the spot if you should bite your tongue or not. At the very least, it’s a whole lot better than how we used to find out about each other online:
Nickname(s): Frank, Frankie, F-Daddy- F-train, N Stein, FR, the Tank, Tin Can, F-Money, the Machine.
Sex: Yes please (haha lol, I mean MAN. Hahahah lol)
Hobbies: Hanging out, listening to tunes, rocking out (with my cock out lol lol jk), playing sino with t-dawg (you my dawg, t-dawg), talking, drinking (ice ice baby), shopping, ballin, filling out surveys duh (lol)
Thing you’re Most Attractive to in the Opposite sex: Ass ob-v (jkjkjk). Smile, eyes, lips. Confidence. Gotta have confidence bro. And I really just want someone who will treat me right.- Aliyah- QFT
Where Do you See yourself in 10 years: Dead. Haha jkjk. I just want to be happy. That is most important. But some straight cash won’t hurt. YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYIN??! Haha lol
Needless to say we’ve come a long way in 15 years. There are now complex algorithms (maybe? I don’t even know what that means) that can eliminate bad matches and find someone to date that you might have more to talk about with other than “How was work?” or “How’s your quesadilla?”. I know it doesn’t always work out, and it’s a little creepy reading up on someone before you meet them, but screw it. Better than derailing every date because you don’t have the foresight to know that most girls are not interested in fantasy baseball, expensive scotch, or death metal. I have a lot of respect for the dating world. It can be scary, frustrating, embarrassing, and it’s quite possible in their shoes, I would get stuck with someone terrible just to avoid ever having to go on a first date again. So I salute you “daters”. Keep asking those awkward questions until the tequila kicks in. Keep swinging and missing until someone is fooled into thinking that your life is more interesting than it is. Find someone who is as cool in real life as their online profile is. And don’t let go.