Just came home from running. It was terrible. Sure, half of that could be explained by watching Summer Catch while on the treadmill. But not all of it. You people can keep fooling yourselves, but I’m not buying it. Running is not fun. I’m not saying people shouldn’t go running. In fact, I think it’s quite useful if you’re training for another sport or activity, trying to fit into your one good pair of pants (read: not wearing them low enough to clear your beer gut), or making sure that your heart doesn’t give out before you turn 50. It’s also a great way to tell the haters to suck it and ride that chip on your shoulder to success. But for the non-professional runners out there, help me out: When did running become the cool thing to do?
You get a free t-shirt. This is mainly for the girls. What is the biological component in your brain that triggers excitement when you hear “Free T-shirt”? Even leaving aside anything girls do on Spring Break, it is still mind boggling. Girls love going to sporting events; number one reason of course is t-shirt guns. Sorry little kids. A home run ball comes into the stands and they’ll hand it over like it the car keys after their 4th Vodka tonic, but a t-shirt? You are on your own. Never mind sports. I’ve seen 3 girl fights at bars in my life…2 of these were caused when free t-shirts were thrown into the crowd. Free T-shirts… it’s like the wedding bouquet being thrown into a crowd of women in their late 30s. Lose their freaking minds. If you accept that it’s not surprising for someone to tackle a toddler for a Pawsox shirt or risk getting arrested for any clothing that says I Survived The Burren, well, then I guess running 3 miles for one ain’t too bad.
Men don’t seem to like free t-shirts as much. And running is boring. So we need our running packaged around tough guy obstacles courses. You know, so you can experience military training without actually serving your country or putting yourself in any real danger. I’m not judging, I wouldn’t enlist myself. Of course, I wouldn’t run around in mudd and tell myself I’m having a good time either. I’ve heard other guys justify certain races because you get a beer at the end. Because vomiting after the race wasn’t likely enough for me already? Not to mention the whole reason I run at all is to lose the weight I gain from drinking beer. Can’t I give my body a few hours before I start destroying it again?
I know a lot of races are for charity, and a lot of them support really good causes. I can respect that. I don’t really want to donate money because you had nothing better to do on Saturday, but I can respect it all the same. But worse than the seeking sponsors game, it’s really just…. the pictures. Hey single people who complain about all the ugly baby pictures that your friends relentlessly post… you want to know what’s uglier than their ugly baby? Your sweaty ass after running a 5k. Oh you wore matching outfits and painted your faces? Very original, now we know you had a great time. If you were just in a shirt and pair of shorts, I would thought it was weird you were posting pictures of you exercising, but I see now. You have a cape. Having fun. Not ugly. Got it.
I wonder if this could be accomplished without running. Next time that you’re bored sitting around with your friends, just put on matching t-shirts, or capes, or tutus with spandex, whatever it takes and have the time of your life. Having a few rounds at the bar is getting a little stale; maybe next time I can throw a slumber party the night before we go out, bedazzle the shit out of some shirts, and introduce the world to our team, Stunning on Empty. They don’t have to know we didn’t participate in a race, that’s the lame part anyway. We’ll smell better and still get to talk to people until they acknowledge how impressive we are. And don’t worry, I won’t forget to take pictures so you all know all the fun that you missed out on.