Sometimes when I’m bored (approximately 40 hours a week), or when I don’t want to feel like I’m the only person who is not sure how to cook pasta (now when you say boil water you mean….), I like to play something I call the Google Search Game. It’s easy and we’ve all done it before. Just type the beginning of a phrase or question and you get to see what the rest of our society most commonly thinks. Here are some examples to ponder.
Where can I find….surveys says: a notary, my ip address, gacinia cambogia, alex and ani bracelets. I have no idea what the fuck any of those things are. Let’s try again.
What’s the best….survey says: birth control, laptop, bb cream, birth control pill. Okay, I’m pro-choice, but what the hell? Did not know birth control is that unreliable, but you know, I’m terrified of babies, so I’m letting it go. (Oh god I hope it’s reliable, I hope it’s reliable, I hope it’s….) And if you’re searching as many dumb (read: dirty) things as me, your laptop is probably full of viruses, so you probably should search for a new one. The best one, the one with the most room for porn illegal music downloads pictures of dogs and dandelions. I have to admit, I needed to follow the Google search to see what hell BB cream is. Apparently, it is cream that will “make your skin look super awesome, poreless, and smooth.” Great, now that our women have great skin and are infertile, what else does a guy need to know….
Do girls like….survey says: balls, muscles, abs, shy guys. Hahaha. Balls. Yes, girls love your wrinkly old balls. Why do guys even have to ask? This male fantasy ranks just below a FFM threesome. No girl will love your balls as much as you do. Accept it and move on. I like the contrast of the other top results though. You’re trying really hard to get in shape and get noticed by the opposite sex or you’re sitting at home reading, hoping that she’ll like the note you left on her twitter feed (oh god I hope I wasn’t too obvious). Jacked dude, shy guy, it doesn’t matter. If you’re asking google “do girls like?”…the answer is probably “no”, you poor bastard. Well, unless your abs are really fucking good. Speaking of working out….
How many calories do you burn while……survey says: sleeping, having sex, running, and swimming. One, how fucking lazy are we that the top choice is sleeping? You are concerned enough about losing weight that you are searching calorie loss, but if you can just find out that your body is doing the work while you’re unconscious then why bother trying. Good job, good effort. And having sex. Well that’s romantic. I’m glad that you can turn love making into exercise. If the results show that you don’t burn many calories during sex are you just going to stop occupying vagistan? That’s some Shakespearean passion right there. If you’re single and asking about sex as means for exercise you might have bigger problems. Most people should be exercising at least 4 to 5 times per week, but if you can find randos that often to have sex with, well then, good luck to you and your soon to be diseased genitalia. Personally, I think a treadmill may be a better life choice than fucking the fat (and dignity) away.
Do you ever….survey says: just (go on…), wonder (aw), think of me (awww), run out of sperm (I think we have a winner) Why is this a concern? Never mind, I don’t want to know. Let’s end this round with something positive. My favorite thing to do is……survey says: sleep, go where I’ve never been, nothing, you. Lazy, too ambitious, lazy and depressing, and….romantic? Moral of the story: people are clueless, especially when it comes to the opposite sex. And although it seems like a great idea, we probably shouldn’t search the internet for life advice. Keep it for laughing at others, and complex cooking advice.