Dogs are great. Just don’t fucking own one. Hey, hey, calm down. I didn’t say I didn’t like dogs. What do you think I am? Un –American? I like dogs, I said they were great like 10 seconds ago. But getting a dog is the just easiest way to say I’m giving up, I’m an adult now. Want to stay out late with your friends? Nope, gotta get home to let the dog out. If you have kids already, then fuck it, your social life is over anyway. You can’t stay out drinking. You can’t even sleep in. You have to worry about feeding, cleaning, keeping a beautiful (or ugly I don’t know your rotten kid) human being alive all day. In that case dogs probably ain’t so bad. But every young, childless couple thinks it’s a fantastic idea to raise a dog together. You know, until they actually have to do anything for it.
Who doesn’t like playing with dogs? Nobody. Who doesn’t like rushing home every day to let them outside? It’s not that bad. Or running around with them when its 100 degrees out? I like the heat. I need the exercise anyway. Or training them to not chew on your laptop, pillow, sandwich, everything? Okay, yeah, but….And who doesn’t love skipping that vacation because they can’t find anyone to watch them for 2 weeks while you slurp down daiquiris? Please watch them. I will give you $50? 100? HJ? Taking pictures of your dog is undeniably a blast. Put a funny hat on them, they don’t even care. Look at you smiling there with your tongue hanging out, you look ridiculous. These pictures must really help ease the pain of the cost of dog food, walks outside in the miserable New England winters, and the pleasure of picking up feces with little plastic bags. Wait, what am I missing? Clearly I’m on a soapbox here and not everyone hates the cold, dogshit, and being as broke as much as me. But not everyone needs to have a dog.
You want to feel like a warden? There’s a good reason to have a dog. I will be responsible for their lives. I will give them proper food, water, and shelter. They even get to go outside for a couple hours. Fucking craters. That’s fine for someone who just committed murder (unless they live in FL?), but come on. Is that okay for someone that you are supposed to love? Okay for a dog that you say is part of your family? Craters will say some dipshit expert dipshit told them it was okay to leave their animal in a cage all day so that allows them to rationalize it. I get that the prisoner example is extreme, but use your common sense people. Would you like spending your time in a cramped space all day because someone pretended to care about your best interests? But they love it… being in there they are safe…they go right in! We are talking about dogs; they are bred/trained to love everything you do to/for them. But their Den instinct! Great, please send me 10 more articles about their goddamn den instinct and how wrong I am, while you ignore their other instincts about exercising, stretching, socializing with people and other dogs, and I don’t know, relieving themselves when they want. It’s selfish. But hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.
But it’s not fair. I love having a dog. I just don’t it want to ruin everything in my house. You could always train your dog, instead of leaving it in the crate whenever you leave the house, but that involves more time, patience, money…. you know the things that no one has. You’re right, I can’t really have a dog. Ok, good. But I want one so I’m going to get one anyway. Ugh. How do adults still have this mentality? Yes, I’d love a water slide running from my bedroom window during those hot summer days. But something kicks in and tells me that would be a bad idea. I would love to have a car that drives itself but sometimes you need to go with something a little more practical. Dogs will be around forever. They are not just a trend. You can wait until you’re more settled and can better take care of them. And some people obviously are mature and caring enough to do this now. (please don’t message me to identify yourself, I believe you) Yet others think “let’s go to the MSPCA and see all the dogs in the cages, oh my god soooo sad. Let’s rescue one!”….and then stick it in a cage in their basement instead. If you don’t have the time, or you’re a drunk who can’t resist staying at the bar all night, or a just couple that has tons of friends, then just wait. They’re not like babies. You can’t accidentally have one. But I want it now! Well, you got me there.
If you truly love dogs, not just dressing them up, showing them off to co-workers, and being amazed that you could train one to fetch you a beer (I know, I know) But if you really love a dog, and have the time and space for one, then that’s great. Get a dog. Get fucking three. Maybe you live in a safe place with a great climate where the dog can chill in your back yard all day. Maybe you’ve got a ton of energy, and you can’t wait to go home and play with (and train) your dog. Maybe you’ve got a ton of money, so you can afford food/vet bills/toys without thinking about it and have the best goddamn dog walker in town. But maybe you’re just a selfish twat who thinks of a dog as accessory and you can die in a fire. Dogs are great. Everyone loves them. So how about everyone not treating them like crap?