Did you know that it is mostly a myth that it’s raining all the time in Seattle? Apparently it is still pretty gray and cloudy, not the sunshine paradise that I would prefer, but the whole always raining thing is wildly overblown. I never knew this. Maybe it’s just one of those things that you’re supposed to know like Chicago isn’t really too windy or maybe I am just an idiot. If only someone could have one told me this in simple yet informative way, maybe a The More You Know moment. Unfortunately when I said this to a friend who recently spent a week in Seattle, their response was “Yep, Yep. It’s rainy. Don’t go to Seattle, keep thinking it’s the suicide capital of the world”. Then explained in the most douchey and condescending way possible how the locals want people to think that so they don’t relocate to their city.
Two things. One: fuck you, Seattle. Maybe, because I come from a place where there are enough obvious deterrents (weather, traffic, high cost of living, assholes) we don’t have to make up fake reasons to keep outsiders away. Yes, there are downsides to being in Massachusetts, but there are also great schools, hospitals, sports teams, and historical shit that the locals have no fucking idea what they stand for. Oh sure sometimes they’ll pretend when people are visiting and want to see the tourist sites, but when you’ve spent most of your weekends visiting the bar, not the Paul Revere Trail, your ability to answer simple questions is more than a little bit shaky. Anyway, I get that a lot of people wouldn’t move here, but judging by our population versus our size some people clearly do, and I’m not going to make up some bullshit to keep people away. That’s weak, Seattle. Your city isn’t a dump or anything, but it still sounds pretentious and cold, and just maybe it’s not for everyone? You don’t have to scare people away.
Second thing. Fuck you friends who visit Seattle for goddamn week and now will most definitely retire there someday. It’s a vacation. Get a hold of yourselves. And don’t say shit like you’re Seattle born and raised. It’s bad enough when people who have lived there their whole lives play the pick on the outsider card, but um, you’re a tourist. Even if you do finally pack your shit up and go, how can you move to a place and say to someone else that they don’t belong? This isn’t a Seattle thing; just a insecure asshole thing where jerks wants to make transplants feel worse than themselves (even if they are transplants themselves apparently). No one from here calls it that, or no one who lives here goes to that bar, or no one born here would use that word. Wonderful, I’m glad you took an amateur anthropology class on the customs and rituals of your new home city. Please try harder to fit in so that people will think that you’re fucking special.
This shit happens in MA all the time and I fucking hate it. Yeah when some asshole from Seattle (or wannabe asshole from Seattle) takes a shot at my home I’ll defend it. But when someone from somewhere else in the country (or another country you xenophobic dbags) actually finds that they like living here, can we not make the person feel like they’re doing something wrong? Yeah you called Boston “Beantown”, but let it go man, we could use the some positive attitudes around here. If you love the place that you’re from, don’t be selfish. You’re not the guardian to the gates of your home city. And whether you acknowledge it or not, there’s probably some reason why someone doesn’t think you belong either.
This us and them bullshit probably happens even more in New York. Only an outsider would visit the Statue of Liberty. Okay. You wouldn’t know where to find the coolest places in the world (world meaning specific trendy parts of NYC) because you’re not a true New Yorker. Could you define cool? Also, have you ever left this place? And yes, I don’t know what sandwich to eat because I’m not a New Yorker. It’s a fucking sandwich. Who gives a shit. I don’t have $25 and I fucking hate corned beef. Back the fuck off. The only thing more obnoxious than judgmental New York natives is when a transplant lives there for a few years then they get to start decide who is NY enough. (How long does it take to earn that right? Do years accrued in a NYC college count?) If you’re outside this block, this neighborhood, this whatever, you’re not as much of true New Yorker as me. Please die in a fire. We can spray paint a Yankee logo on your coffin if it makes you feel better. Or whatever true New Yorkers like. I wouldn’t know. And I don’t fucking want to.