I’m Checking You Out

he must work out

You ever walk down the hall and cross paths with someone that makes you look back and say “Damn, that’s a good looking dude”? If you’re straight woman or a gay man, this may be a pretty frequent occurrence. If you’re a straight guy then you may be thinking homophobic slurs about me right now, but just hear me out haters. What’s wrong with checking people out? Everyday we look at people. Most of the time we’re forced to make eye contact but that shit can be way too intimate. I can’t even keep eye contact during sex all the time (insert self depreciating joke about being disgusted with her for sleeping  with me. God, I need new material already), but I’m supposed to focus on the eyes of every asshole who has something to say?

What are the rules about checking someone out anyway? If someone walks by me at the office it would be weird to not notice them right? It’s involuntary, instinctive. You have to pay attention to others around you. They might be trying to steal your lunch or rip out your throat. Because I work with lions. But for everyone not lying about their boring job, when you see a human being nearby, you tend to notice some things about them, right? If you see them regularly you notice patterns. Are they getting fatter? (pregnant or giving up?) Did they do something different with their hair? (Do they know even Beyonce can’t pull off short hair?) Is that a new dress? (Is that titty going to pop out?) People are infinitely more interesting than most of what we are supposed to be focusing on at work, so we innocently check people out. Of course complete strangers are worth looking at too. It can be at the mall or on an airport bench and for some reason you can say “people watching” and it’s less creepy. It doesn’t mean that you’re sneaking off the bathroom to fantasize. (It might) It’s just curiosity.

Having said that….when you’re non homo-erotically checking out the previously mentioned good looking guy, do you ever find yourself just getting mad at them for being so damn good looking. You could be at the mall, just enjoying your day of spending your future kids’ tuition money on new shoes, video games, and expensive watches and this guys struts by you(yes strutting, or even sauntering, as all good looking people do). You’re just telling yourself, look at this guy: tall, handsome, probably successful. Fuck this guy. Where’s he going? Probably walking somewhere else to checked about by other insecure, broke ass people. He doesn’t even need to spend $2000 on a watch. (None of us do, don’t get me fucking started) It must just be the bees knees to be this guy. Think of Tom Brady (or whoever, I’m a guy from New England and it’s football season, who am I supposed to think of?). He probably walks around all day smiling, butt chin glistening in the sun, winking and gunning at people. (this isn’t how you picture TB12 in his free time?) And everyone is just checking him out. Sure some people just want get right down to it and bone him. But regardless, he walks in a room and everyone is checking him out in one way or another. Don’t you deny it.  You’ve checked out worse and pants-too-tight Tim in accounting probably knows it too.

For me, it’s all speculation, because I’ve never been checked out in my entire life. Well I’m sure I have for some reason (is he just fatter or pregnant like in Junior?) But I’ve never once caught anyone checking me out. And I’m checking out people everyday. I’m looking at everyone and judging the fuck out of them.  But not in a dirty way. Sure, more than enough times in my younger years I have been snipped. And no, there’s no cool way to play that off. I’m sorry, I wasn’t looking at you in the sexual way, I was just thinking about how pretty you are and how successful you might be someday. Also your legs, your butt, and your boobs. Admittedly it was harder to resist checking out girls back in the days of being too shy to talk to them. If a girl checked me out back then I’d probably have run away with her and instead of writing I would be operating the pretzel stand at the mall where me and the mother of my 3 welfare children met.

Anyway, I’m starting to realize people get so used to being checked out that some of them have become paranoid. This is understandable for girls. To be fair there’s a greater chance of guys not just checking you out in the “Oh, what’s she wearing today?” sort of way, but the “Damn, I wish she wasn’t wearing anything today” sort of way. I know girls are self conscious about being checked out by guys, not because of common sense, but because every time a guy talks to a girl with a slightly low cut shirt, she is immediately adjusting her boobs. You start a conversation and swear on your grandmother’s grave that you have only looked into her eyes, and within 2 minutes, that girl will still reach down and adjust her shirt/dress/whatever is kinda-sorta-almost covering her chest. Which of course causes you to react by looking down at what she is doing. Now you’ve accidentally checked out her boobs anyway. She’s not trying to draw attention to the cleavage, but somewhere in her brain she is alerted to the danger of the lurking guy’s eyes. She wasn’t thinking about her boobs, but your mere presence has her reaching to make sure everything is in place. You can’t win.

I can only imagine what it would be like to be a girl in today’s society. All day I would be self conscious about people looking at me, especially if I was good looking. And I know guys are pigs (blah blah blah- pigs are actually nice animals?) but it’s not like we’re just cartoon characters with our eyes bulging out and our tongues flapping in the breeze. Sure, someone could be checking you out and thinking of all the nasty things that you could do to them, or they could hate your fucking guts and be thinking all the evil things they want to do to you (non sexual). Or they’re just staring off into space and you just happened to interrupt their view of that pigeon that somehow reminds them of the frailty of life. (I need therapy) Is it offensive to check people out due to wild hatred? How about just boredom? Is it okay as a straight guy to check out other guys? Or to wonder if their lives are really better because they are noticeable enough that someone could be jealous of them, hate them, or even write a mediocre blog post about them? What are the rules? Would I be uncomfortable being checked out like that? Would I be flattered? Would I give a shit at all? Someone just ogle me and let’s get this over with.

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