As a companion piece to my thoughts on men, I thought I’d take some time to complain about women. But men do that all the time. And ragging on the opposite gender not only comes across as whiny, but gets people pretty defensive. Plus women hate on women enough as it is. So I’ll skip the rant on the stereotypical back-stabbing, petty, and superficial qualities that drive men nuts. EXCEPT…I do have one gear to grind. Expensive handbags.
I’m not too clued into the whole fashion world (shocker, I know) but apparently girls love expensive handbags. Even being on the peripheral of knowing what women talk about, I’ve gathered that handbags can cost, well, a lot. But recently I heard a girl talking about wanting a Hermes Birkin Bag that costs at least $10,000. Are you fucking serious? Okay, sure, if you’re a Hollywood actress making $10 million per shitty movie then, why not? Money ain’t a thing. Jennifer Aniston could make a handbag out of human flesh and covered in King Solomon’s diamonds, and none of us could stop her. But if you’re just a regular, middle class, drive yourself to work kind of girl, or a don’t even have a job kind of girl….bitch you can’t even dream that high. Get your fucking priorities straight.
Well I obviously wouldn’t buy it now. But if I won like 10 grand, then that’s what I would want. That’s what you would want? A treated piece of dead cow that you can keep your chap-stick in? Everyone has different interests in life and I can appreciate that. But for $10,000 here’s some other things you could purchase: a New car, or a great down payment on a better car, a motorcycle, good seats to 81 games at Fenway Park (my bias), spacious additions to your home, a swimming pool (or at least half of an in-ground pool), in state college tuition, and a variety of bands to play at your private event. Still want the attention on you? How about an engagement ring? Or a lavish honeymoon. Or at least part of your wedding. Or the entirety of my future backyard BBQ/kegger wedding (Please hold your white trash comments until the end of class, thank you) There are just so many better ways to either show love or improve your life than a fucking purse. And just infinite other things you could do with the money. Like a hand bag from Target filled with $9,975 cash.
Some might agree that ten grand is just too much. But what about for half of that? Glad you asked. There is also a ton of better things you could get for $5,000. (Amazing, right?) Still want to do home improvements, how about a quality shed to keep things that you’ll actually need as an adult? You can buy the shed and the riding mower to keep in it. And the shed will last decades instead of 1 (completely meaningless) fashion season. Or a fence to keep your ugly neighbors and their ugly fashionable clothes and bags out. And if you’d rather stay inside, you could be a lot more comfortable and install central air. For the animal lovers out there, don’t spend $5,000 on dead animal flesh, when you can buy TWO pure breed German Shepherds. Or a fucking horse. If you’d prefer nights out, you can choose between Celtics seasons tickets or a season’s pass to symphony hall. More outdoorsy? Buy a nice used sports boat for the same price. Or be lazy and buy an 80 inch television. At least that’s something you get to look at as opposed to something you hope others are checking out as a way to justify your ridiculously expensive handbag purchase.
At what point is this not too much money? For $2000 you start finding more “normal” people splurging for purses. Which apparently is more important than getting a good night’s sleep. It sure would be nice to have a new mattress, but not as nice as a swanky new hand bag and a series of back aches. You might also feel better if you spent that 2G on a vacation; there are a variety of deals at all-inclusive resorts throughout the Caribbean for that price. Hate palm trees? Well, you can fly to Australia. Or maybe you like blowing off steam by shooting at the range with your new gun. Why not? I’m not taking a political stance today. I’m in shutdown mode too. And screw it, if you want to spend some money on some nice leather, why not buy a new designer sofa? A wee bit more material than the purse, seems like a better bargain. Me personally? I would be happy being well on my way to affording a drink-serving robot.
The more reasonably priced we get the…same amount of ridiculousness we find. For $1000 you could buy a new mac book, dishwasher, washing machine/dryer, or a ticket to the super bowl. You could eat lobster everyday for a month, or Wendy’s chicken nuggets for 1000 days straight (or until you die first). You could be healthier instead, having salad every day for at least 6 months for the same cost. Or sign up for a year long membership to the best gym around. Maybe you’re already so ripped but you want people to notice. Then buy a professional quality camera for the same $1000. Whoever you are trying to impress will notice the work done with the personal trainer not some asshole European name on your carrier for tampons, gum, and half empty bottles of lotion.
Even for $500 you could buy much better things. The retail price for a new iphone is about the same cost. That only helps you navigate, play music, google search, send e-mails, call your friends, and pay your bills (if you didn’t spend all your money on handbags already). Other 5 hundo level options include a private hot air balloon ride for the adventurous , a greenhouse for the environmentally conscientious, or the complete seasons of The Wire, The Sopranos, and Breaking Bad for the lazy. Hell, you could buy a solid sewing machine and make your own bags. But that wouldn’t have the name of that French cunt on it. That asshole that you have no reason to care about other than your own stupidity and insecurity. Of course, I’ve left out the most easy and obvious targets: donating to charitable organizations. It should go without saying that it’s a more honorable dream to have $10,000 (or even $500) to support whatever good cause that you personally find most compelling and deserving. But even if you want to just spend that money on yourself or your family, don’t be that girl that deludes themselves into thinking a designer handbag is the best use of that money. Because that is a tough fucking sell.