I’m a Holiday guy. I like driving around and looking at Christmas Lights, taking in the smell of the trees, and watching Home Alone every goddamn year. Getting drunk and ordering presents online has also become a new favorite December tradition, and I don’t even mind the hit my credit card takes, because fuck it, it’s Christmas. I’ll get blackout drunk on St Pat’s, I’ll dress up as Oscar the Grouch on Halloween, and on the 4th of July I will “Ooo” and “Ahh” at every stupid firework that I see. I actually look forward to the day that I have children so I can buy them absurdly priced glowing bracelets to celebrate America’s independence… for reasons our country’s most brilliant minds couldn’t explain. I’m even a guy that defends Valentine’s Day. Yes, that’s how serious I am about Holidays.
But this year I’m giving up on Thanksgiving. Theoretically I should love Thanksgiving. You eat a lot of food and watch football. Done and Done. Last year I actually went to two Thanksgiving dinners and at night watched my favorite football moment of all time. But this year, I’m finding it hard to get excited about a day just for eating. If I’m being honest, I eat like I just got my heart broken about 3 times a week anyway, why should I do that in a room full of people? What’s the benefit here? And it’s not like it’s food that you can’t have all the time. I know cooking a turkey takes hours, but isn’t it really just chicken that you need gravy for? And I’m sorry, but gravy tastes like ass. There’s also stuffing: bread that you pull out of the turkey’s ass. I think I’m the only American who could live happily without mashed potatoes, yams are flat out disgusting, and while I’m a big fan of the odd ribbed cylinder known as cranberry sauce, I don’t think I need a holiday to celebrate it.
Needless to say, I’m not a huge fan of the menu. But even if the menu was made up of 10 different dishes that I love I probably wouldn’t enjoy eating because, let’s face it, I’m going to be hungover. And so are you. I’ve heard the night before Thanksgiving is second only behind New Years’ Eve in shitshow-ness. That part I still love. But the next morning is just awful. Maybe by noon I’ll take down a couple dinner rolls to absorb some of the booze, but a multi-course meal is more than enough to send me straight to the toilet to vomit. Nana slurping down soup certainly doesn’t help either. What a terrible sound. Fucking old people. You know what else can help you lose your appetite? The rest of your family blathering on about god knows what. Your job sucks? Wow, there’s a new one. You’re going to paint your house? Oh that’s great, wait what color is your house now, oh that’s right no one gives a shit. Forced conversations about football, politics, and everyone’s deteriorating health. I feel so blessed to be eating dry poultry while catching up on my uncle’s latest colonoscopy results.
And that’s the rub. No one has anything good to say, because no one else is excited for Thanksgiving either. I would really enjoy sharing a nice meal with a big group of family (or friends) that actually want to be there. But my family doesn’t want to see each other. There are always multiple locations where people are having dinner, even if everyone lives within an hour. Some of them have made excuses why we all can’t get together such as “it’s so hard to feed so many people at one time”. Meanwhile we get 6 people at my house and have to eat leftovers for 8 days. It’s Thanksgiving, time to be thankful that your relatives don’t like you, or are too selfish and stuck in their own routines that you’ll both be cooking copious amounts of food and eating it at the same time, separately. It’s supposed to be a time to appreciate the people you love, even if all you do if stuff your fat faces together while watching big dumb animals give each other concussions on TV. And somehow people just can’t be bothered. They would rather eat turkey sandwiches until Santa Claus comes to town than get through the holiday on someone else’s terms. Fucking jerks. Maybe if you’re lucky they’ll come over later in the day for some Pumpkin Pie. You know the stuff that is so enjoyable that no one will touch it for the other 364 days of the year. At least everyone will be miserable together for a little while. ❤ Family ❤
While I’m eating my shitty pie and listening to my family passive aggressively fight over who had the bigger turnout at their Thanksgiving dinner, I like to look at the sales-papers to check out the Black Friday deals. I don’t know why I like this. I don’t want most of it, each year understand less of it, and don’t have the money for the rest of it. After awhile I just find myself debating which items will get some asshole run over by a fat troll in a Rascal Scooter at Wal-mart this year. I am thankful for this vision. This is probably the high point of my day. This and figuring out which alcohol that can be discretely slipped into my apple cider tastes the best. Hey, how else am I supposed to find another conversation about my uncle’s digestive system interesting?
This year I have the added bonus of my 10-year High school reunion to go along with Thanksgiving and Black Friday. I call using the still bloated from Thanksgiving excuse as to why I look like I gained weight since the last time any of you saw me. On the bright side this gives me the opportunity try out answers to the “what are you doing with your life?” questions with family first. Sadly, since I see them every year I might not be able to try out some of the bold face lies that I will undoubtedly be trotting out at the reunion. On a completely unrelated note, if I told you I ran my own Maple Syrup Factory would any of you believe me? But that’s how these conversations go, right? My job is great, your wife is beautiful, I’m filthy rich, your kids are prodigies in everything from Baritone Sax to Aussie Rules Football. No one leaves impressed. People just want to make sure that you look worse than they do after a long decade of drinking, having babies, and watching most of your dreams fade away. Most people are probably so hammered avoiding the awkward situations that they won’t remember what they talked about anyway. If I’m smart I’ll just start drinking now, have some laughs, retain nothing, and just give thanks when this week is over.