Well it’s almost Christmas and that can only mean one thing: Wanting to kill your family? Listening to the same 30 obnoxious songs for a month? Stuffing your fat face with enough food and booze to feed a small army of elves? All valid and somewhat terrifying answers. But no, the answer that I’m looking for is presents. Christmas is not about community, hope, or love. It’s always just presents. Hey, I’ll still watch It’s a Wonderful Life every December, but come on people, if you run into trouble your hometown isn’t going to rally around you and give you hope. First of all they probably don’t know who the hell you are, and secondly, even if they did they would probably just tell you to jump off the bridge because you’re kinda an asshole and they don’t have any money either. Bah Humbug, let me give you a push.
Anyway, even as a kid, it was always about presents. Why do kids like Santa more than Jesus? I mean they are both magical after all. But Jesus just makes you feel bad because you touch yourself at night. Santa actually rewards your good behavior with gifts. And even if you’re a selfish little prick like most kids are, you’re still getting something under the tree, not to mention in your stocking. Santa brings you gifts, your parents buy you gifts, and even your Aunt that you only see once a year gets you a gift. You give that old bitch one smooch on the cheek every 365 days and you still come away with a toy car or something.
Christmas is so centered on presents that kids have to make lists. It’s not good enough that someone will spend their hard earned cash on you and all they get in return is a piece of construction paper with old macaroni. No, they have to get you specific things that you need. As most of you already know, the things that kids believe they want and need for Christmas are just ridiculous. They want toys, trains, video games, and others things from Geoffrey the Giraffe’s wet dreams. Side note, how in the name of Satan did Furbies become popular again? As American Girl Dolls and GI Joes become Iphones and Xbox One’s, the prices just keep rising but the entitlement doesn’t change. Until you start living on your own and start to have even the slightest notion of how money works, I guess I can’t blame kids for shooting for the moon on Christmas.
At least they still care about things, even if they are just expensive sneakers or headphones that are created by rappers whose peak took place before they were born. Yes I re-read that last sentence and immediately disagreed with the sentiment. I guess it’s just less depressing to talk to a 15-year old that wants $300 portable speakers, than your dad who wants a new neck pillow to sit in his chair with. That’s the best thing he has going for him? That’s how high he can a dream now? A $10 gift that allows him to do literally nothing, but more comfortably. Talking to old people for Christmas is depressing. They always say they don’t want anything. Or they want something ridiculous like their mortgage paid off. Or something more absurd like everyone to be happy for the holidays. You harp on them a little so they relent and ask for a new snowbrush. You got it. Well worth a a day off from work to wrap this and give it you. I hope you get all the Yankee Swap rejects a parent can dream of.
But I guess this brings us to my real point of interest. ME! Who else am I supposed to care about? But honestly, people in their 20s and early 30s are unique in the fact that we are too old to be getting spoiled like kids, but a lot of us are too young/immature/poor/drunk to have kids of our own to spoil. So in our somewhat neutral minds, what do we really want for Christmas? I wanted to make sure people didn’t limit themselves and asked if they could have ANYTHING what would they want. A kid with no limitations might ask for a spaceship, while our parents might ask for a do over on at least one of their children. But they do enough dreaming on their neck pillows as it is, what about us? Here’s what my research found:
What would you like for Christmas?
1- New job (surprised there was only one of these. I assume it was was because the rest of you don’t have a job.)
2- New boss (submitted by someone that I am the boss of. Merry Christmas. You’re fired)
3- Property for my own business. (Holy Ambition Batman)
4- A brand new jeep (Fair enough)
5- BMW M3 (Alright, dreaming a little bigger)
6- A house (Now we’re talking. This had multiple hits. Houses are way too expensive.)
7- A house filled with enough money to not have to work. And it has to be somewhere warm. (Yep)
8- A vineyard. (Drunk)
9- More self control. (This may be related)
10- A week long pass to cheat on my girlfriend. (This is definitely related)
11- Time machine to go back to freshman year. (This is sad)
12- Sally Mae to disappear. (This is more sad)
13- Loans to be paid off. ( I get it, you were a Comm Major too)
14- One Million Dollars (Okay Dr. Evil)
15- A Ring (Too Many Kay commercials this Holiday season for you too?)
16- A Girlfriend (Hey, you two should get together)
17- A Divorce (Maybe not)
18- A puppy (No you don’t.)
19- Paul Walker to come back to life (Jesus Christ people, was the The Fast and the Furious that good? I get it, he was attractive but, no, no, never mind, it’s Christmas, picking my battles. Vin Diesel sucks.)
20- A new hand, one that works. (Getting dangerously close to old people Xmas wishes.)
21- To be left alone (Getting closer.)
22- A new life (okay, that’s enough, there’s still time people. Just don’t go speeding in your new BMW like you’re Pa..no, no, it’s Christmas.)
23- New dining room set (Holy shit you have a dining room?!)
24- A trip to Hawaii (Whither White Christmas?)
24- Snow (Note: this was answered before the storm last week that caused everyone a 2 hr ride home. Note: You can still go fuck yourself.)
25- A new TV (Well if you’re snowed in)
26- My own TV station (because a youtube channel broadcasting yourself singing both parts of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” isn’t enough?)
27- People to stop talking about Duck Dynasty (If you owned a TV Channel would you keep it on the air? Let’s talk about this decision 24 hours a day for another week. Thanks!)
28- Hair (Oh no, we are getting old again. This comes from a bald headed guy other than myself. We also would have accepted not growing anymore hair in other places. Or a permanent razor.)
30- Beyonce (Well, who can argue with that?)
Merry Christmas. I hope you get everything you wanted. Except Paul Walker, the Walker.