Alright, it’s been almost a week. I’ve finally finished vomiting from the combination of drinking and reading everyone’s messages about how great 2013 was. Did you guys just live through the same 12 months that I did? And if that wasn’t bad enough, there were the New Year’s Resolutions. Everyone breaks them, most people only talk about them for the attention (I’m really going to try, I swear I’m trying, can someone applaud me for trying already?!), and the rest of them are just bold face lies to yourself. You’re not going to be nicer to your sister-in-law. Maybe if she gave you something better than a re-gifted bottle of wine for Christmas you would have considered it, but probably not. And if you want to start going to the gym, good for you. Seriously. Just don’t pick January 2nd as your starting date. There’s already a wait to get on the treadmill, the anticipation doesn’t make it any more satisfying, and you have to park so far away from the gym with all the spots taken up by other Resolution-makers that you’ll give up way before you drop those pounds.
Now with that splash of cheer out of way, I’m done….thinking….thinking……No I’m not. Fuck you Resolutions. The way I see it, I find things I hate about myself and will probably never change, every goddamn day. That’s why I write here. I don’t need a once a year event to create false hope for myself. I guess writing about it makes me feel better, you know, until I realize I haven’t actually changed a thing. And as I write this I realize that I should shut up and DO something… but doing things is hard! God I really should stop whining….STOP TYPING! As for the attention that comes with announcing your resolution, I don’t want it. No seriously, I don’t need any attention. I am not going to obsessively check the pages views on this post. But why aren’t there any comments? Doesn’t anyone care what I have to say?!
Anyway, I really should be kinder and less selfish. I do want to eat healthier and drink less. You know what? I will try new foods, and even learn to cook some of them. I will work harder at my job and I’m going to earn more money. I will try to be less cynical and be a better friend. Blah Blah Blah I’ll do whatever you want, World. But what about you? Just watch any Best of 2013 special and count how many times you say to yourself that there’s no hope for society. You’ve got work to do too, buddy. So yes, I will try to be a better person this year, but World you have to promise in the New Year that you will change and or give up a few things for me….
College: I would like our Alma Maters to resolve to stop soliciting us for donations. We’re fucking broke. Most of us are still severely in debt paying for our overpriced education and have no money for you. For the lucky few who have been successful enough that they do have the extra money, don’t worry they’ll donate without the prompting. I’m sure if they are rich they didn’t drink away their memory like the rest of us, they still know where they went to school. And if they’re the selfish type, well I’m not sure the weekly postcards and emails are going to sway them anyway. They just serve as painful reminders to the money spent/money not made back ratio for the rest of us.
Free Speech: I would like people to stop invoking 1st Amendment rights every time someone gets criticized for saying something offensive. Yes, I’m grateful that people are allowed to express their thoughts, even if they are unpopular, in this country. ‘MURICA. No, that doesn’t mean people shouldn’t be able to call you out on being an an asshole when you express yourself as one.
Photos: Can everyone make a resolution to be understanding of the fact that no one cares about the pictures we take? You don’t even have to stop posting them. Just be aware that your dog/cat/child/dinner are only special to you. And your engagement. I get the ring photos. Kinda. But doesn’t the walking through the woods/beach/orchard seem a bit excessive? No? Just me? Okay, I’ll be sure to subject you to 10 B&W Facebook albums of me and my future wife holding hands in a junkyard, a Denny’s parking lot, and the Chucky Cheese ball pit, and make you comment on how cute we are. Jerks.
Driving: Drivers out there- please make a resolution to stop riding peoples bumpers when you are in heavy traffic. If Grandma is coasting is in the fast lane I get it. But when hundreds of people are all trying to get home at the same time, and there is nowhere to go, what are you expecting people to do? Your time is not more important than anyone else. You know what, don’t even make a resolution to change. Please just kill yourself before you hurt someone.
Music: I would like Justin Bieber to make a resolution to stop performing. Of course, this could be said about at least 50% of popular music today. But I still think it bears repeating. I would also like Bar Bands to resolve to find some new songs to mix into their set lists: I’ve already lost your love enough nights and I’ve called that number…not such a good time.
Movies: The movie industry would do everyone a great big favor if they could just focus on making one good movie. No shitty trilogies splitting up what should be one movie. No lame endings that lead to unjustified sequels. Just one good stand-alone movie. And not some remake of something that sucked 30 years ago. Can’t some Hollywood exec make that resolution happen. Asshole.
Food: Stop copying each other. Every sandwich doesn’t have to be served on a pretzel and loaded with guacamole. We have many options out there. Mix it up. Also I’m the only person on the planet allergic to Avocado so I’ll understand if not everyone feels this way.
Babies: Stop having so many of them. They’re creepy looking, and altogether pretty useless. I guess if you only have a couple, but if you’re having more than that… really what are they all going to do in 20 years? Work on the moon? We have 7 billion people already and most of them are terrible.
Religion: Ohh boy. I told myself I wouldn’t touch this stuff. But I’ll keep it simple. Stop pretending your faith is better than someone else’s. This is particularly confusing for people who belong to their specific religious group (as the majority do) because it is a) what their parents do b) the most popular option in their geographic area or c) both. This rationale may work for calling Soda “Pop”, or always being punctual, but it’s a little flimsy for keeping people out of heaven, starting wars, etc.
Blog posts that go on forever: I could keep bitching about all the things I want to change in the world but this would take all day and there’s probably enough people angry already (or no longer reading). So let’s just clear out the rest in the lightning round: skinny jeans, Miley Cyrus, the word twerking, The Big Bang Theory (the show, I’m fairly neutral to the actual theory), dick pics, waiting until the last second to merge out of the turn only lane, Subway, Clay Matthews, Geico Commercials, expensive boots, staged reality shows, guys that love chapstick, 80s music, 80s nights, 80s clothing, repetitive blogs, people who say it tastes just like real (blank), plastic surgery, everyone who refuses to donate to charity because they think they are all scams, charity scams, Fox News, MSNBC, nearly all political or sports talking head shows, the term “talking heads”, while we’re at it, people who say they love the band Talking Heads but only know 3 songs, adults that like Bieber (still bears repeating), last names with apostrophes in the middle of them, “Girls Just want to Have Fun”, girls that sing that song but are actually not fun people, singing competitions, humble bragging about the places around the world you’ve been, China, Kanye West, Snap Chat, people who pretend to like curling, the Winter Olympics, Winter in general, smug article comment all stars, movies taking place before 1700 (and everyone in them speaking with a British/Scottish accent regardless of when and where it takes place), people who justify their feelings about something by saying it’s just what I believe, homophobia, xenophobia, Koumpounophobia,the over diagnosis of phobias, CEOs that make 270 times what I make, people who say they earned it, people who complain about money, the cost of everything, but seriously… bad tippers, saying hash tag out loud, people who like Jennifer Lawrence because they forget that even though you would want her as your friend maybe she has better options than the girl who couldn’t even get Slutty Sally from Billing to sit with them at lunch, people who don’t like Jennifer Lawrence, umbrellas.
Whew, I feel better. All I have to do is lose 10 pounds and listen to my mother more often. You suck, world. Sober up. You’ve got a lot of things to work on in 2014.