I want to be Iron Man. Yeah, yeah, who doesn’t? But I don’t really want the money, the mansion, or even the bad ass suits to vanquish my enemies. And frankly, he can keep Gwyneth fucking Paltrow too. Something about her always bugged me. Anyway, I just want Jarvis, his computer butler. When Robert Downey Jr has any question in the universe, or maybe just needs a little company while working on the suits and pounding some drinks, he goes to his man Jarvis. I understand why I can’t have the Iron Man suit, it’s a national security risk, and I’d probably just use it to annihilate someone who cut me off on the highway. But if I could get Jarvis installed into my car, the world would actually be a safer place.
I drive 3 ½ hours every couple weeks to northern Vermont. It’s amazing how many questions you think of when driving alone for that long. How many years did Mo Vaughn play for the Red Sox? Who played the violin on Eleanor Rigby? How do I know Cate Blanchett? The smart phone era is a killer for patience when it comes to knowing these things…that you really don’t need to know. But it does eat away at you. So I need Jarvis to step in. To tell me when the Bruins are playing next or how many liters there are in a gallon sure, but also for more pertinent things like where’s the nearest gas station or where the hell am I? Yes, I have a GPS, which is disabled from entering new information while driving as a safety precaution. I’m not sure how using my smart phones like Peter Griffin uses an Archie Comic is a safer option.
I need Jarvis to save me from myself. To google search nonsense, read my texts and emails to me, and serve as my DJ. Try going three hours without fucking with your IPOD. It’s impossible. I actually try to kill a lot of time with music because it’s the only time you can sing as loud you want and no one can call you out for sounding like an asshole. I once read an interview with Nate Ruess about how he learned to sing where he said he would just sing along with the hardest songs he could find on his car radio until his voice got better. Well, fuck him, because I still sound like dog shit. Granted, he’s got pipes and I’ve got what, used coffee stirrers? Whatever. I’ve been told to sing with my diaphragm to give some power to the vocals. I’ve also heard this same word used for the female condom so I think I need more guidance. Both vocally and in bed. I also can’t sing like Axl, Brandon Boyd, or Florence in case you were wondering. Maybe the machine.
I give up on singing after a little while not because I’m sick of listening to my own screeching yet but because my throat is so dry that I can’t take it anymore. I’ve gone through my one allotted water bottle and Jarvis isn’t there to tell me where to pick up another one along the way. I only brought one with me because again, 3 ½ hours is a long time, and I am not skilled at the 80 mph empty bottle peeing trick. Fine, let’s look at the scenery instead. Oh great 2 more hours of trees. Hey look, a log truck! Who did that joke about the log trucks on opposite sides of the highway? Was it Brian Regan? Fuck, Jarvis, where are you? Maybe I’ll just yell random swears as loud as I can and laugh at myself. Hah, well that killed 10 minutes, what else….Oh shit, was Cate Blanchett in Titanic? Nope, that was Kate Winslett. Dammit.
What’s on the radio? Oh, that’s right, static. Because I’m in Northern New Hampshire/Southern Vermont, also known as the wilderness before people find the place where they are going skiing. What else do people do on road trips, play eye-spy? I spy with my little eye…more fucking trees and several moose crossing signs. At least if I crash into a moose my car will be so totaled that no one will know that I had Kelly Clarkson playing on repeat. Then they would have to play “Since You’ve Been Gone” at my funeral. Would people be able to laugh? Would anyone show up? This is making me uncomfortable, what others game you got? 20 Questions? I’m Abraham Lincoln, don’t waste your time. Am I there yet? Driving… Driving…Underworld! No, that was was Kate Beckingsale, you dummy.
Most commonly the things that I need Jarvis for are not for what I want to look up, but what I want to write down. I need to record these brilliant ideas that I want to write about for your reading pleasure, before I forget them. Like right now, isn’t this post insightful? Are you not entertained?! Yeah me neither. I’ve been told my phone probably has a voice recording feature, and that I probably don’t need Jarvis to record my thoughts. But then I would have to listen to myself. Sure I ‘ll sing for an hour to myself in my lonely car moments, but I don’t have to play it back. If I’m going to review my thoughts then I want them delivered by an electronic British dude. Is that too much to ask? That and not having to wait 3 hours to find out the answer is the Lord of the Rings movies and Benjamin fucking Button. Jarvis!