It’s almost Valentine’s Day so it’s time to eat chalky hearts, splurge on flowers, and let out your inner true romantic. Sorry, what’s that? Oh I forgot, it’s actually the time for everyone to start bitching about how V-day is a greeting card holiday and how their life is so tough because they have to buy something for their girlfriend. Yes, this is a traditional time for singles to bitch about the holiday too, but I’m letting them off the hook. When you’re approaching 30 every Saturday night becomes part of a series of mini valentine’s days where everyone has their private two person celebrations and you’re not fucking invited. Those celebrations may only be catching up on your DVR together or looking at old photos while sharing a drink, but it’s safe to say it’s better than drinking alone. (Thanks Billy Joel)
It’s tiring to hear from the people in long term relationships complaining about Valentine ’s Day every year. Yes, you have to get them something. No it doesn’t have to be a limo ride to a 5 star restaurant and a bill to remind you that you’re in way over your head. It’s about the gesture. You can wait a few weeks to buy that new video game or that bottle of scotch. Because if you don’t go and put that money towards a teddy bear and some roses asap, you’ll probably have plenty of money (and open Saturday nights) freed up in your near future. And I get it, the media and social pressure and all those other straw man arguments, they are all focused on guys going broke every February. But you don’t have to go all John Cusack. And if you’re with someone who isn’t satisfied with staying in and enjoying your cooking when they know you can’t afford to go somewhere nice, then maybe you should be considering re-thinking your choice in significant others, not holidays.
I’m really sick of the “But I do stuff for them all the time” argument (you’re sick of it?! Trying being a girl!- yells my one female reader ) Maybe you do, maybe you don’t, but it’s always good to have a reminder to appreciate the (hopefully) special someone that puts up with you. I mean, for starters, just look at you. You’re getting balder, fatter, and less mobile every year. Not to mention(but I’m mentioning it, literally, right now? Who created this expression?), have you considered lately that sharing the ice cream that you buy every week already, isn’t really going above and beyond? Also, maybe that 3 minutes of mind blowing sex wasn’t that satisfying but you didn’t see the look of disappointment on her face because you were asleep 30 seconds after? Is it possible that she buys you food all the time, does your laundry, and drives your drunk ass home every weekend while you serenade her with your rendition of “Kiss Me, I’m Shitfaced” and doesn’t complain about it? Also, she probably puts up with your gas. Don’t overlook this, chief. Seriously it’s fucking terrible. So yeah, ah, if this hits a little too close to home, maybe it’s not a bad thing to show a little extra effort this week. It’s the least you could you, you ugly, fat, dickless, helpless, drunk, noisy, smelly loser.
I honestly don’t know what girls are supposed to get/do for guys. Most suggestions you will hear from men are unprintable, and after all, this is a family friendly site. Fuck you. But hey, you know your guy pretty well, buy them a bottle of something they love, like the one he just gave up 2 paragraphs ago to buy you that bracelet you blathered on and on about for weeks. And you say he never listens. Or don’t do gifts at all. He probably doesn’t want something else that he has to make sure he doesn’t lose or break in case you ask him about it next year. But maybe consider going somewhere that you both want to eat before settling (read: choosing on your own a month in advance) on some place that he would never in his life enjoy. It’s not all about you bitch! I mean it kinda is, but be nice anyway. You can probably be terrible to everyone else in your life on 2/14 if you choose, like the co-workers whose faces you will subtly throw it in when displaying your noticeably larger floral arrangement. Don’t scare away the one special guy who listened to you talk about how much you wanted to bang some terrible musician after you had too many beers at Country-Fest last year…. and was still there the next morning.
I think it’s pretty amazing to find someone that you want to spend any time with, let alone mushy holidays. People suck. Of course, not everyone will agree with this. Recently I heard some comedian talking about relationships that went something like: relationships aren’t hard, it’s finding someone you can have sex with, and someone you can have dinner with. Sounds a little too simple, but I can see truth in that argument; there’s some real subtext there. You need to find someone to whom you’re attracted to and vice versa, someone that you actually want to please, someone that feels the same way about sex as you. If you walk with Kirk Cameron and she carries 50 Shades of Gray in her purse, you may need to reconsider your partnership. And with dinner: you need someone that shares enough common interests that you can have roughly the same diet (not a given in today’s society), be able to have actual conversations with (or someone who oddly enjoys awkward staring contests), and someone who will not try to poison you. That sadly is also not a given.
Sometime I wonder how I’ve ever found anyone to love me, let alone multiple people. When I was a kid (oh here we go…) I experienced what they call “young love” for the first time. Adults will always mock you and downplay it because they don’t want you to be on TeenMom, or have you go bankrupt before you’re 18 because you think a girl who still dots her “I’s” with hearts is worth an engagement ring. But I think sometimes they disapprove because there is real jealousy in there. They see two young people actually caring about what the other person thinks, actually engaging, not just debating if this year’s “Dancing with the Stars” cast compares. They see two people that want to get each other nice things, you know things other than gift cards and a flashlight for their car’s center console. With young love, you’ve got two (albeit hormoned up) people that want to get down to business, something their partner hasn’t ostensibly yearned for in years.
I think about those early years of love, and don’t think wow I wish I stayed with them or anything (but if you’re in town my number hasn’t changed wink wink jk jk lol), but I acknowledge that there was still something real that existed at the time and I feel lucky to have experienced it. Because it’s important to feel loved. When you feel someone cry in your arms and embrace you so strong that you could be ass naked and hormones wouldn’t rear their ugly head, that’s not being a dumb kid. That’s genuine concern and appreciation for just having someone in your life. I think about that, and it makes me sad,that there are people that I know that have never experienced it. People who never had someone love them that way, or maybe had it once back in high school and have been trying to find someone to fill that void with ever since. I think about that and it pisses me off, right the fuck off, that other people can take for granted the one thing that matters the most because you didn’t feel like spending one fucking lunch hour at the florist.
I don’t know why it bothers me so much. Maybe I’m feeling guilty myself. I admit that I’ve made mistakes in the past: not telling partners how I feel, not making them feel appreciated, not letting them know how beautiful they are. Maybe it’s knowing that every girl who has had the misfortune of dating me has been tasked with appreciating the same shitty mix tape every year, regularly having to fish for compliments, and fighting the never ending battle to keep a depressive from falling into the abyss. Or maybe it’s because I watched Blue Valentine the other day and now I’m scared that every relationship is going to fall apart. (I mean if Ryan Gosling could lose his girl…) It really could go either way. Some people have nothing but hope or regret, while others have everything right there and they just can’t be fucking bothered? No, you eat shit you ungrateful prick. This year I’m telling everyone to simply appreciate, as a word of advice not from an expert, but just another dumb guy who realizes that the older I get, the more lost I would be without someone that cares about me. If you’re spending this Valentine’s Day with someone you love, consider yourself lucky that you have someone worth buying $100 bucks worth of overpriced flowers for.