I’m not allowed to wear hats. Apparently I’m trying to hide something with this uncommon action of mine. You see, I am what the layperson calls “a Bald Motherfucker”. If you are bald, or balding, the assumption that you are wearing hats is not because you like them, or that your head gets fucking cold! Nope, it’s that you are disguising from the world your dirty secret. Yep, because I’m not too embarrassed to 1) blog about embarrassing life moments 2) admit that I have a blog. But no, the bald thing is too much.
I used to be pretty self-conscious about the going bald thing. But you have to understand, I was 18 friggin years old. When your life isn’t that great already and your hairline is essentially telling you that you’ve already peaked…it’s a hard thing to accept. One of my friend’s little brothers used to mention it to me every time I saw him and man it pissed me off back then. Now I’m over it. Partly because I’m just older and partly because that little fuck is now balding too. Fucker. Well mostly over it. I’d say the acceptance of more bald celebrities helps: Michael Jordan, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, fucking Heisenberg. But really the things that soothe me most are less maintenance and worrying about how my hair looks every morning, and the strangely common backhanded compliment that I have a nicely shaped head. I don’t know if people really mean it, and I don’t know what an unusual shaped head looks like, but it’s nice to hear that people don’t think I look like some hairless alien freak.
I’m not saving I wouldn’t rather have hair, but I think the shaved head look works out okay for me. I’d much rather that than the George Costanza look. Just the sides…terrible. Sometimes people will accuse you of again trying to hide the fact that you’re going bald by shaving your head. No asshole, I just think that I’m too young to look like Larry David. I have two hairstyle choices, and I prefer shaving it completely. If someone has acne and they wear more make-up on their face or if someone has a big gut and they don’t wear tight fitting t-shirts, no one cares. Makes sense to me. I thought it was okay to de-emphasize your less appealing physical traits. You know without someone joking behind your back that you’re not fooling anyone.
People seem to have a real problem with bald people. Sometimes they’ll let it go if you shave your head to the point where it’s not as noticeable. Yeah I shave it for pure aesthetic reasons, but also to avoid outsider judgment. Because people are fucking jerks. Like it is some fault of your own that your hair eloped with your pride before you could legally drink. Just listen to someone talk about an unattractive guy. Top three words are fat, ugly, and bald/balding. If you’re a fat guy well you are at least partially responsible for that so maybe judgment isn’t completely unwarranted. If you’re ugly, it’s not your fault, but most people will at least not get on you too hard for trying to “trick” people by doing things with your hair, over-compensating with a ripped body, wearing nice clothes, etc. But if you’re bald, you’re a no good lying shyster. They want you to display your lack of hair so you can make everyone else feel better that they’re not a loser like you. I know, tough crowd.
Growing up I had these weird perceptions about bald men. I think I’ve watched too many TV shows where the bald character was always some pitiful nothing shit of a man. Now I see reports that come out where some people perceive bald men to be more powerful, masculine, and born leaders. As with most studies, be skeptical as these studies were probably financed by the old bald guys that run corporate America and all of their industrial psych reports. And even if some perceptions are changing, being bald isn’t all sunshine and rainbows. For one thing, there’s dealing with sunshine. I once had someone say to me “I didn’t know that bald people can get dandruff?” It was my skin peeling from a sunburn. Because when you’re bald you need to remember to put sun block on the top of your fucking head too. Or you could wear a hat, you know, like all those bald guys in denial do. Fuck my life.
Going bald is biology not a choice. I get that these terms are hard for a lot of people to understand through their thick hair covered skulls. At least no one is legally telling me that I can’t get married. But I honestly think there are a lot of people who could never see themselves dating a bald guy let alone marrying one. That’s fine, you should be attracted to the person you’re with. And I know there’s plenty of other reasons someone might not find me attractive. You don’t see me wearing tight shirts and if I could figure out how that goddamn foundation works…never mind. I don’t want people to think that bald is beautiful, but it sure would be nice to have people not think you’re a loser because your hair follicles were. And to not think that you’re dishonest because you’re wearing a hat in fucking February.