After much deliberation I have decided that I’m never getting engaged. Oh no, I’ll still get married. But this whole drop down on one knee crap, I’m calling it, it’s over. I’ve been in a relationship for 8 fucking years. E-I-G-H-T. I think it’s fair to say that I’ve already missed the fiancee stage. Am I supposed to ask her parents permission now? I think they get the point. She sure does. We’ve talked about marriage a thousand times. Married life, children, where we will live, all that joyous crap. We’re in agreement, we’re a pretty good match. Someday we’ll probably throw some party and say that we’re married, figure out all the legal crap and yeah, congrats. Romance, bitches.
It’s not to minimize the act of finding someone to spend the rest of your life with. That’s great if you can pull it off. But the formal engagement thing is getting cut from the life plan along with rock climbing, running for office, professionally singing, and drinking less. I’m sure there are a lot of guys reading this (no there aren’t, no one reads this shit anymore) saying good luck with that buddy. But you really don’t understand. (Ok chief) No seriously, the girl that I’m with really doesn’t want a diamond ring. Or a fancy dinner. Or an absurdly expensive dress. And this isn’t one of those, “Yeah my girlfriend is cool, she doesn’t mind when I go to the strip club” only to come home and immediately shower off that glitter before getting caught scenarios. This is just who she is. Doesn’t like diamonds, doesn’t eat prime rib or really anything worth the wedding plate cost, and spends 80% of her life in pajamas. She dreams of cutting people open (surgeon not serial killer) not of being princess for a day and she values our family not going broke over some ridiculous ritual. As for myself, “Works for me” is a serious understatement here. I’m fairly confident that almost every guy that had to plan their own formal wedding would either fuck it all up or cancel it completely. That why their job is pay for the ring then sit in the back and stay out of the way until they need your fat ass to taste something.
If she doesn’t care and I don’t care, then who the hell cares right? God? I’m more likely to burn a church down than get married in one. And unless God’s son is named Jared instead of Jesus, he’s probably not concerned with whether people get engaged before hand at all. What a fucking sham. An expensive fucking sham. Sure, if people get stingy when it comes to not shelling out $100 for flowers on V-Day, then I’ll call them a cheap asshole. But I’m a hypocrite you spend more money than that at the strip club that your imaginary girlfriend doesn’t mind you going to. 100 bucks? Whatevs. But guys are supposed to pay three frigging months salary for a shiny rock to put on your finger? Does this sound like the behavior of rational people? Even on my shitty salary that’s over ten grand. That’s like 5 times what I have in my bank account. Are you people nuts? A ring? It just sits there and looks pretty. It doesn’t decode secret messages or give you the power to control Middle Earth. There are times when it’s easier to say “It’s just the way it’s always been” and times when you should say “Are you out of your fucking mind? Let’s take that money and put down a down payment on a house!”
I’m not sure why people get engaged in the first place. Someone told me it’s so that people can start planning their wedding a year in advance or however long. I think I’ll need a week. Maybe an hour. Ask girlfriend to marry me, place order for 20 pizzas, call liquor store about keg delivery, set calendar reminder in my phone. Maybe we’ll take another few hours to plan out the honeymoon. Done and done. After 8 goddamn wonderful years my friends and family know how I feel. They don’t need another shitty picture of us together with some date on it that will just cause them to bitch about how they need to spend another couple hundred bucks come next Spring. I love a good party, but not if I have to spend 10 months planning the damn thing. Save the Dates, Invites, Flowers, Dress Shopping, Suit/Tux fittings, Food tastings, good fucking riddance.
Other people tell me it’s for security. People want to get engaged because they want to know someone is committed to their relationship. Well, all she has to do is ask. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? Yes. That was easy. I wasn’t talking about what we would name our kids last week just to fuck with your head, crazy lady. But we have to prove it. Okay hypothetically, let’s be engaged. She knows I can still call this off at any time, right? I’m not going to go through with something that I’ve changed my mind about because I wasted a couple weekends picking out the right chocolate covered strawberries. But that’s what the ring is for. Ever heard of a sunk cost? The ring proves nothing, nor does the ceremony if the person is still an asshole (or they have a ton of money). I wish I lived in a world where my word means something to the person that loves me most, but instead we rely on guys to feel pot committed to going all in, and then sign legal contracts. Isn’t this a bit extreme? If people don’t trust their significant other to stay with them, why are they with them in the first place? We can’t just go have people signing contracts whenever we’re not sure about someone’s future actions. That would be chaos. We’d have contracts for sex, drinking, households chores, children, Netflix sharing, EVERYTHING. So we just assume shit will work out and move on. But promising that you’ll still want to be with the person you love. Now you better get that shit in writing.
Til death due us part. Yeesh. There’s a scene in Always Sunny where they are talking to Frank about getting buried next to his wife and he responds saying that won’t be his future, when he’s dead, just throw him in the trash. Naturally this doesn’t go over well. Personally I found this to be hysterical. We have to spend all this money and go through all this ritual bullshit just to put someone’s lifeless body into a hole in the fucking ground. Of course they don’t care, they’ll be dead. But we’re so delicate. It’s a tradition; it would be inappropriate if we didn’t do things the right way. But… Who. Gives. A. Shit? If someone wants to just be thrown out with trash, good for them. Marriage, often linked with death, is just another ritual and it’s only as meaningful as you want it to be. Some people spend more time on the wedding planning then they actually stay together. And why? To impress people? I say fuck that. I’m in this thing for the long haul. I think getting married and starting a family sounds just swell. But if we can agree that the whole engagement process is just a stressful joke, a waste of time, and an absurdly unnecessary use of money, then screw it. I’m throwing that part out with the trash.