People seem to have forgotten the meaning of the word addiction. If you are addicted to something it means you cannot just give it up. Even when it’s for your own good. Often you don’t realize you have a problem until confronted. Drugs, alcohol, and gambling are fine examples. You are not addicted to your new sandals, french bulldogs, or sea salt and vinegar pop chips. If someone takes away your bag of snacks and you try to knife them then we can have a different conversation. But for now can we agree that it just makes more sense to say that you really like pop chips? Or that you often eat too many pop chips. Me gusto pop chips? I don’t care. But you are not fucking addicted.
I’m starting to feel a little like Bob Saget in Half Baked. You’re not going to rob a store if you can’t afford that new skirt. Wearing pants is not an unreasonable substitution. I don’t care how many times you’ve listened to that song, you will not die if you don’t hear it again. In fact, I may kill you if you play it again. Put down your phone. You’re not addicted to texting or tweeting. Your life is just boring and twitter lets you pretend there are more important things out there for you. (There’s not. Except sports, sex, and more things that wil give you cancer.)
But what happens when you really do become sort of addicted to something, not just liking something and over-dramaticizing your affinity for it like a 13 year old. It may not be heroine, but it still might be ruining your life. It’s clear to me that I’ve developed an unhealthy relationship with television. But addicted? I’m just not ready to say…You know what, let’s Buzzfeed this shit.
10 Signs that You’re Addicted to TV
- Snow Day- When you are fortunate enough to get a day off from work or school, your first thought is how many episodes can you marathon watch the shit out of in 8 hours.
- Wrong Choice Anxiety- You have legitimate anxiety over picking one show to watch over another because you don’t have time for both on a given night. Being able to simply watch the other show the next night is irrelevant in that panic stricken moment when you proclaimed House of Cards as if you decided Cut the Red Wire!
- All Day in Bed- You have not only spent an entire day in bed watching TV, but said aloud multiple times throughout the day “There’s nothing I would rather do today than sit here in bed watching TV”. It is never a good sign when if you were to remove the TV from your behavior that you would unequivocally be considered clinically depressed.
- Company- The first thing you do when you get home is turn on the TV so that you don’t feel alone. Read that sentence again. Now you may begin to cry.
- Can’t Sleep Without It- Thinking before you fall asleep is stressful. Why bother contemplating that next career move or worrying about the girl that got away when you can watch Jeff Goldbloom on Conan with one eye open instead.
- Giving up Plans- Have you bailed on friends because you would rather stay in and catch up on your DVR, even though the device was created specifically to avoid having to do so? You’re probably saying yeah, but it’s okay to do that sometimes. But it is strange that when you texted them to say you couldn’t make it you wrote “Sorry, I’m sick” not “Sorry, your Birthday is not as important to me as Matthew McConnaughey and Woody Harrelson, Hope you understand.”
- Freak Outs- You’ve had temper tantrums when On Demand/Netflix is having technical difficulties. You even threatened to write a letter even though you’ve always despised people who do that. You’ve changed man, you’ve changed.
- Netflix- You have cable with 800 channels. You know what sounds like a a good use of money? Paying an extra $10 a month to stream more TV. I hope they hurry up and add more shows so I won’t have to replace my TV watching with TV watching.
- Not Being Included – Sometimes I feel like I’m a middle school girl. No, not just because I’m growing breasts, but when people are talking about a TV show that I haven’t watch yet, wow do I feel unhealthily left out and generally uncool. “Mom, can you get HBO so I can use your HBO Go Account?” No, it’s too expensive. “Dammit, this is Ugg Boots all over again! I hate you!” On a related note, you may also be suffering from TV Peer Pressure. Don’t worry, it is okay to not watch Game of Thrones. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Don’t let them get to you princess, they’re just bullies. (I’m lost at this point in the metaphor. Am I the 13 year old? The Mom? Let’s just move on.)
- You Need to Physically Remove Yourself from the TV’s Presence- This is the saddest one for me, and something that may finally force me to stand up and admit that I do in fact have problem. I wanted to go out to dinner recentlly because this would give me a chance to actually have a conversation with my girlfriend (Not bad so far). I didn’t want to stay in because I was more worried about being distracted by the goddamn TV than any of the potential distractions that come from being in public (there it is). No focus, sure. No priorities? Not good.
The above reasons were scary warning signs. As it was when I realized how much time I was spending reading…about TV. I started enjoying watching the Bruins more, because the long intermissions between periods allowed for watching shows during the breaks. What is wrong with me? I understand this is a societal thing, but if I didn’t want to feel alone I would just turn on the TV, but I don’t need support for my bad habits. I’m sure people are with me in the sense that I cannot name all 44 US Presidents, but I could probably name forty people who have played Presidents in TV shows and movies. This doesn’t make me feel better. I was starting to run out of things to write about because I haven’t done anything in weeks other than lose myself in the world of the Gallaghers, Pawnee Indiana, and Jim Jefferies. Great shows, but it’s time for me to take a couple steps back think about what I’m doing with my life. Addicted or not, sometimes we need to change things up.