Former Red Sox pitcher Josh Beckett loves NASCAR. This may not surprise people because he’s from Texas and he’s an asshole. I’m sorry. If you are reading this and like auto-racing or are from Texas, then I sincerely apologize. Not really though. Actually go fuck yourself. Anyway the point is when asked why Beckett thinks NASCAR is great his response was that it is one of the few sports that you can take a full nap in the middle of the race and still get to see the end of it. This is the best example that I know that clearly not everyone watching sports is having the same experience.
I bring this up, because today opens the regular season in Major League Baseball. This is a glorious time for me. In New England, its the best time of the year. Not just because everyone really cares about the Red Sox, but its typically the end of the months of miserable weather. Seriously, everyone from Massachusetts who chooses to live here is severely deranged. Months of growing beards and drinking for warmth, of hibernating and forgetting that you have friends and family to see, months of praying that if you stay under your comforter a little longer that a magical fairy will arrive and clear the snow off your car. You contemplate for months just splurging on that light therapy box and begging your cunty PCP for Prozac, but you’re a stupid masshole who hates being happy. And then it’s spring. Hurray! It’s baseball season. Put off that self-improvement for another year!
Baseball is great. You can’t buy nostalgia like this. Oh wait, that’s exactly what you’re doing. Sitting in the stands where people watched Ted Williams and Yaz play. Playing catch with your dad, like countless families have done for 100 years. Feasting on whatever animals they are putting into a Fenway Frank. Alright, it’s not all terrific. But it’s mostly fun, associated with better weather and good memories, and it’s a great distraction from our shitty lives. Bad day? Let’s watch the baseball players sock some dingers!
Opening day is like Christmas. Overpriced bud lights and uncomfortable Fenway seats are your only presents. It’s glorious! The season continues until Halloween. The games are EVERY NIGHT. This is a drag for some. But If you love baseball, what a freaking deal. If your favorite TV show is The Big Bang Theory kill yourself, then you have to wait a full week to watch it again. Baseball is there the next day! And it’s not a re-run. NEW EPISODES ARE AVAILABLE. Except when they run a replay on an off day. And oh man do you feel like an asshole when after two hours you realize. I just saw this last night, fuck me, I’m an idiot.
How does this happen you may ask? Because you’re not paying attention the whole time. Not to go all Josh Beckett on you here, but one of the best things about baseball is that you don’t have to pay attention the whole time. People bitch about baseball going 3-4 hours each night, but it’s not something you have to be on edge of your seat waiting for every pitch. You keep it on in the background, and after a few games you know when something of importance is going to happen. We don’t need short games because, be honest with yourself, you’re not going to pay attention to 2 hours straight of baseball. Or anything. We like our news in 140 characters, our food in the time is takes to pull up to the window, our stories to not exceed 22 wonderful TV minutes. Two hours, three hours, four hours, who gives a shit? Put the game on, pull up that article/buzzfeed list/porn on your computer. Grab a beer (or 7). Let your girlfriend get that problem off her chest. You’re right, she is a bitch. Hell even take a nap and just wake up to see the end of it. And if you miss it… there’s always tomorrow. Welcome back baseball.