There are many times when I know that I just don’t fit in with the rest of society.  Sure there are plenty of times when I look around and say “What a bunch of fucking idiots.  I’m so much cooler/smarter/better looking (hahaha)/more skilled at bowling than these people.”  And then there are times when I look around and think “Hey, these people have it right.  I’m a shithead.” This is one of those times.

I don’t get excited about free food.  I KNOW.  I just honestly don’t get it.  Sometimes I will pretend to be happy about it to not feel like an outsider, but it really doesn’t do anything for me.  And that’s on me.  My bad.  We need food to eat.  We have limited amount of money to buy said sustenance.  Myself, in particular, has even more limited funds than most of you.  And… I’m kind of a fat ass (hence the blog).  I should write a post everyday day on how thankful I am to the souls providing this ubiquitous free food.  But you can bring out pizza, sandwiches, cookies, lobster (LOBSTER?!) and announce triumphantly that it is there for the taking… and I’ll be there shrugging.  At least internally.  Vocally I’m saying “Yay, free food” with the exuberance of Tom Werner and Larry Lucchino leading a Red Sox chant.

It’s astonishing how indiscriminate people can be with their food tastes when it’s free.   I’m not a picky eater in the sense that there are lots of different foods that I will eat.  I just want them at specific times.  If I’m getting hungry around noon and I have it in my head that I want a buffalo chicken salad, that’s what I’m getting for lunch that day.  I don’t care how many pizzas are magically appearing in my vicinity.  I’m a man of principle and conviction.  About eating something that I only decided on an hour before, sure, but better than having no conviction at all! (actually that’s not better at all, stop spending your savings on $10 salads everyday, you dope!)  But you’re not going to sway me with wild promises of “Free”, or “Food”, or “It’s right fucking here dummy, I brought you a plate”.  It would just leave me unsatisfied.  Even free food gets me depressed these days.  Everyone gather ’round and listen to “Satisfaction ( I Can’t Get No)” by Bake & the Donnettes.  What the hell is wrong with me?

I understand this is illogical and in fierce opposition to the masses.  When someone tells you there is free food in the office kitchen and you say “I know” without immediately sprinting from your desk you will be met with one of three phrases: “Are you feeling okay?”, “Are you allergic to________ (whatever shit they are giving away)?, or “You better hurry up”.  Notice that none of the phrases are interested in whether you ate or not previous to the the most thrilling announcement that anyone there has heard since they found it was a boy.  It’s ridiculous.  Just ate a lunch?  Fuck it, eat two!  It’s FREE FOOD.  Have lunch plans to go out with your friend? You either sneak extra food away for them too, or you are a bad friend.  There are no other options.

It’s amazing the way free food changes people.  I’ve seen people send food back at a restaurant for the most trivial things.  They’ll wait it out impatiently while everyone else eats, and they’ll insult the waitress, or maybe start a fight with the manager if they’re feeling frisky. But then they’ll unabashedly scarf down a pre-made sandwich loaded with the deadly mayo they wouldn’t consider trying on their tarnished burger back at the restaurant.  I thought you were only so rude the other night because mayo made you violently ill?  Yeah, but this sandwich is free.  And this is light mayo. Oh. Okay.  Wow, taking the whole thing down.  What’s that, this mayo isn’t that bad?  Cool, let me go see if there’s any more food left. Read: I need to walk away so I don’t choke you, you fat, lying bitch.

I’m not sure who are more confusing: those that are unexpectedly delighted by the presence of free food, or those that go somewhere specifically because they know it has free food available.  I’ve seen many people at work jump at the opportunity for the free food, and have to wonder, what was your back up plan?  I think it’s fair to assume that you knew you were going to want food today.  You typically eat food, well, every day.  It’s generally a priority for most human beings.  But I can’t count how many times I’ve heard “Oh my god, I don’t know what I would’ve done if Bob didn’t bring back free pizza.”  Uh, that’s some really shitty planning.  A real lack of foresight.  I should fire you.  As for the people who are going places i.e. meetings, parties, BBQs, strip clubs solely based on free food being there, I’m not sure sure I understand their priorities either.  “Yeah, you have to sit through a 3-hr seminar on financial planning, but you get free bagels!”  Bitch, bagels are a dollar.  I think you need more than three hours on budgeting your time and money.

But, hey, how can you argue with free food? (Because I’m a miserable prick.)  It’s not that I don’t want other people to be happy about free food, in fact I use it as a motivating tool at work myself.  Yes, bringing in cookies are the key to workplace productivity, and no I don’t work at a pre-school. I just wish I could get that excited about it too.  Even after I’ve already ate, or planned my lunch ahead, or was aware how little pizza costs, or got over my distaste for mayo and mustard (which they put on every goddamn pre-made sandwich).  But I guess then I would just get fatter.  Now that I mention it, how the hell is everyone else enjoying all this free food not becoming fat trolls?  Do they only eat when someone is giving it away?  And why doesn’t anyone give away anything else for free that I might actually want?  Why would you assume that I’m talking about sex?  Well, if you know someone that is offering….what does he look like?  Ah, the questions of the universe.  Maybe we’re better off not knowing.


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