If You Could Take a Pill…


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People (yeah those silly bastards) will always say things like if you could take a pill that could change one thing, what would it be? It’s supposed to help you think about what you really want, what you need to work on, maybe what you want to do with your career? Stuff like that.  I think it was supposed to be like what would you do with a million dollars?  But neither of those questions make sense anymore. Over seven million American households have at least a million dollars to do whatever they’d like and they’re no better off for it.  Alright, they’re definitely better off, but you can’t just outbid anyone for whatever you want with that kind of money.  Too many people are too rich.  And I think we’ve all watched enough movies to know that money can’t buy you happiness anyway.  Maybe.  I don’t fucking know.  Movies are dumb and I’m broke.

But what about a pill? We take pills because life sucks and we’re unhappy.  Just me? But isn’t that what we all truly want? Happiness one daily dose at a time? I know we have an over-diagnosis problem in this country, but I don’t think its a necessarily a bad thing thing that we’re all taking something to feel better in some way.  I also don’t think it’s a bad thing to use your shirt simultaneously as a plate and a napkin, so don’t trust me on this (or any other) issue.  Still, that’s not where it ends.  We take pills because so many specific things make us unhappy.  We can’t lose weight quick enough, we take pills.  Hate being bald, there’s something for you too.  I can’t remember the last night that I haven’t been bombarded with commercials for pills that make my dick bigger, stronger, sexier?  Shit, I’m not exactly sure what those pills really do other than attract middle-aged blondes that love convertibles and apparently artificially enhanced dongs, but hey, it sure seems like a lot of fun.  We need pills to stay awake and pills to sleep, pills to get bigger or smaller, to clear up our skin, to breathe easier, or relieve our pain.  And we especially need them to focus on work when we know there are MILLIONS of videos of animals doing funny things just one click away.  We’re all taking something.  Ain’t no thang.

But I’m too stupid (and guilty) to make a valid criticism on our over reliance on medication. And I’m too goddamn hopeless and cynical to suggest a better plan. Oh you’ve tried exercise, and quit those bad habits, and you’re talking to someone, but everything still sucks and everyone is still full of shit, huh? Well, fuck it, if you can’t beat em, join em..and pop em.  This isn’t an anti-pill post.  I’m actually here behind this imaginary podium to bemoan the loss of imagination.  We have so many pills for things now, is it possible that we’re running out of things to want?  There are still obvious things like flying.  No matter how many pills we take we still can’t soar with the eagles.  Maybe hallucinate it, but that probably doesn’t count. Nobody dreams of a pill to imagine flying.  I mean, if you’re going to get all hypothetical it might was well be about the real thing.  Wait, what?

I want a pill to instantly be able to play guitar, speak Spanish, and understand chemistry.  So what I’m saying is I want all those things up to the point of actually having to move, think, or spend any time or money whatsoever on them.  I must have other priorities (don’t need a pill to help watch Netflix, pat myself on the back I will). It seems so simple; if the pill you want most is to help you lose weight, you need to stop blowing off the gym and drinking so much beer fatty.  Or maybe stop obsessing over your body so much.  But at least craving the pill still tells you something.  You have a goal.  If this is what you want so much, work for it.  Got it.  But…. that’s not fun.  And all the goal setting and hard work in the world won’t allow you to breathe underwater like a magical pill would. Or gillyweed would .  Can I now dream of a pill that can turn me into less of a nerd?

Dreaming is good.  I think.  So let’s dream. What others hypothetical pills would you want? Invisibility?  It seemed much more appealing as a 13 year old pervert, but still useful in assisting with invisible bank robberies and ridiculous pranks.  I’ll take it.  What about a pill to turn into statue at will?  That would freak people out and rekindle your love for Super Mario 3 (You get to wear a flying raccoon suit that also turns you into stone…what the hell kind of pills were the creators taking?).  I thought I’d like to try a pill that would make me incredibly fast, but eh, I got plenty time, what’s the rush.  Showoff.  I’ve considered other pills: to climb the side of buildings (too tiring, too high), to throw a baseball really fast (too many arm injuries, too tight pants), to read minds (too exhausting, too ugly). But if I could only take one pill it would probably be for ED because I just can’t resist those floozy blondes to help me sing.  It doesn’t guarantee success, or happiness, or money. But it gives you hope where the lack of natural talent depleted it.  And it can raise the spirits of others.  Yeah, I think that’s a fair pill choice.  Or maybe I just want a pill that will help me figure out how to end this damn post after two weeks.  Ah well, a man can dream.



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