In Defense of Cats


Unless they are doing funny things on the internet, a lot of people really don’t seem to like cats. Sure, cats are assholes, but are we any better? Anytime you say that you’re a cat person people want to imagine you alone and depressed sharing a can of tuna fish with your only (feline) friends. Then they need to tell you a million reasons why they like dogs better. Hey, I get it, dogs are cool, you don’t need to convince me buddy. For some reason every asshole in America thinks they are salesperson for dogs and everyone who doesn’t have one is some lost soul wandering in the darkness. But you know what? I really don’t want anyone to greet me at the door, whether it be my hypothetical 1950s housewife, my attachment-disordered-children, or my dog. Of course I have a cat that greets me at the door now anyway, because she says fuck it, he probably doesn’t want this. And because cats love irony.

In reality I’m probably being greeted at the door because the cat wants food. Selfish? Yeah but shit, at least it’s honest. The cat isn’t going to fuck around with small talk, no “How was your day?”, just “Feed me motherfucker you know I can’t open this thing by myself.” But are cats are too selfish? Maybe we’re not selfish enough! Who doesn’t want to eat as soon as they’re hungry? Who doesn’t want to hog the bed? But no you’ll give yourself back pain contorting around your partner while a cat will just come in and carve out whatever space it wants. People are considerate. Dogs believe in order; if you tell them to get off the bed, they’ll probably obey. Cats will give you a death stare for pushing them over even the slightest bit. Which is how we all truly feel inside when someone does the same thing to us.

Cat haters really don’t like the stares. They get all up in arms about cats judging you. But then people give then the same condescending look right back at the cat when they decide to lick their crotch clean in the middle of the room. You people are rude. And ungrateful. If cats aren’t there to give us disgusted looks, then who will? Not each other. Try giving your girlfriend that look when she’s been in bed too long; you’ll wish that she stayed in bed for the rest of the day 2 minutes into that fight. But cats? They’re 10 fucking pounds and even if they know how you think your parents never loved you they’re not vocally advanced to destroy you with your secrets that you shared with them that night you drank too much tequila. All they can do is give you a disapproving stare that you shouldn’t take to heart. Alright cat, you got me, I should get moving. Even though 20 minutes later that furry fuck will be napping themselves anyway.

Everyone knows cats love sleeping. All day lounging around, sleeping anywhere, whenever the feeling strikes. Are they lazy? No! They’re geniuses. There isn’t a day where I don’t feel tired or a day where I don’t hear several others complain about how tired they are. If you can’t appreciate cats’ sleeping habits, well then you’re just jealous. But even when awake cats do nothing – I know they’re fucking brilliant. I don’t want to go to the bar, or go apple picking, or to visit anyone’s parents. I want to do absolutely nothing. And if someone comes to visit I’ll do my best to stay awake, but really, no promises. Are cats clinically depressed? Are cats smarter than they’re given credit for? Or are they without better options because they housebound anyway? The world may never know. (Stop thinking about it before my argument falls apart).

Cats do move around and do stupid shit occasionally. That’s why youtube exists remember? They love paper bags and boxes and stuff like that they can get into. You know the same stuff we loved as kids before life became hard and boring. Maybe the cat just likes the texture or cardboard to rub against their skin when they lay down. But maybe, just maybe, they are pretending they are in a spaceship to the moon. If nothing else if you gave a cat a marker and some thumbs, they would no doubt be writing “No Humans Allow” on their empty box fort. The other thing I love about cats is their drive to fuck things up. Oh looks, pills on the counter, PAW SWAT, that was fun. What else do they probably not want on the floor? They’re the best. You’re too busy to play with me? Fine, fuck it, I don’t need you. By the way you might want to get toilet paper on your way home because I’ll be unraveling this bitch until you come back and feed me. Thanks, I appreciate it. But not really.

I think people often don’t like cats because they don’t understand them or never bothered to hang out with one. That makes sense, we’re often more in favor of things that we’re familiar with. You grew up with dogs, you love them, never had cats, distrust them. Or you had one really bad experience with a cat growing up and have hated cats ever since. That’s fine. Nothing wrong stereotyping, judging others, fearing the unknown. You know, like racists. But seriously, fuck you. But seriously, it wouldn’t bother me if people didn’t dislike cats for doing the same shit they do. People are finicky, judgmental, and lazy. We like to eat, sleep, and see people on our own terms. Dogs are great, but we’re not dogs. We are not obedient. Or loyal. We want to please ourselves before worrying about others. We’d rather walk out of the room when someone is blathering on than stay by their side. We don’t help the blind, we can barely detect health problems in ourselves let alone others, we’re not that overtly excited to see anyone (no matter how hard the girls at the bar are faking it), and only a small percentage of us think chasing a Frisbee is a worthwhile activity. Face it, we may have dogs on a pedestal but most of us are grumpy fucking cats.


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