You’re All My Little Princesses


Halloween is over. Thank god. No more princesses walking around. Yes, princesses. This is what is pissing me off this week. Go figure.

Why does every little girl want to be/think she is a princess? How many more shitty Disney movies need to be made to convince girls that this is rational behavior? How many stupid dolls do Americans need to buy? How many glittery dresses? Let me break the news to you, princess, you’re never going to be royalty. And even if you were, you’d be miserable. Cameras following you everywhere, people you don’t know obsessing over your pregnancy, being inbred. And in the past it was infinitely worse. Has anyone taken a goddamn history class? Please take all the money we are spending on Frozen Soundtracks and Princess Barbies and let’s invest in a time machine to the middle ages, shall we?

Princesses in the middle ages were used to settle political disputes with no regard for their feelings. Would you sacrifice your daughter’s happiness and force her into an arranged marriage with your neighbor’s son so that you could settle a property border? I mean, I can’t see any other way to figure out where to put that fence, but I’m child-less and not a home-owner so what do I know? Now, for the women who are supposed to be adults but see their weddings as an expression of their desires to be a princess, have you considered that it was common for their husbands to cheat on them? After your fancy party you have to stay home and take care of Prince Bigcock’s heirs while he goes out every night like a Middle-Ages Derek Jeter. That seems like something women want today, right? Yes, yes, women are always okay with their husbands having affairs, just ask Amy Dunne.

What an obnoxious capitalistic trend that needs to die. DVDs, dolls, tiaras, and all that junk is bad enough. But what is most disgusting is the princess mentality. Bumpers stickers, t-shirt and the ass of sweat pants declaring proudly “It’s not easy being a princess” (I thought that was the whole point?), “I’m daddy’s princess, now bow before me” (this sounds creepy and possibly illegal), or simply the word “Princess” underneath a precious crown. Where is the Princess t-shirt that shows you stuffing your fat face while the peasants starve to death working your fields? Can’t imagine why that’s not a best seller.

We battle against economic inequality, show concern about the executive powers of our leaders, and become outraged about the glorification of celebrities, but somehow royalty is something we can spoon feed to our children? It’s bad enough that we make up fairy tales about how awesome being a princess was in the past (seriously, do you know how drafty a castle is?), but the obsessive behavior shown in following the royal wedding was the most disgusting worldwide event that I can remember. Billions of people sat and watched these fucking people get married? And they cried? And they bought commemorative items?! She’s not even our princess! In case anyone has forgotten, we’re Americans; we don’t have a princess for a reason. We all decided royalty was a bad idea centuries ago, didn’t we? Shit.

Not to mention (mentioning it) the most glaring thing of all, in this country we all live like princesses! Not just our daughters, but all of us living above the poverty line. And even some of us below when you compare American poor to the others around the world. We live in huge houses, we have expensive clothing, and we have feasts all the time. We even have a holiday coming up to celebrate eating! That’s the most royalty thing we could do! Sadly, not only are our lives loaded with riches, but we get to do what we want and STILL ignore the peasants. We show no regard for those responsible for farming our foods, providing our lumber (our trees now, fuck your rainforest!), and sweating it out in those cushy shops making those clothes for us. You want that princess dress, honey? Of course, I know that you deserve it more than the 4 year girl who got paid 4 cents to make it for you.

I know it’s not just princesses. We tell our children all sorts of stupid things to look up to or use as forms of play. Want a toy badge and gun? Great, in 10 years you’re going to hate these fuckers for pulling you over. Want to be a ninja? Do you realize how hard their actual training must be instead of just flailing around, knocking over lamps, and scaring the cat in your living room? But pretending is easy. It’s natural. Want to keep making your dolls play mommy and daddy? Well, then you can grow up to be, a, uh, porn director? Sex Criminal? Let’s move on. We grow up and we realize that all the things in pretend land aren’t that great or don’t exist at all in the real world. It’s sad. And I don’t know how to fix it, or even if everything needs to be fixed. But can we try to ease up on the princess crap? It embraces greed and class warfare, promotes beauty and fashion over anything with real value, devalues the actual abilities of women, and ignores how sweet all of our lives truly are. Also it bombards the crap out of everyone with the color pink. We’re already a lot more princess than anyone should ever be, and by the time I have a daughter I’d like her to think that she has more to strive for than being a diplomatic bargaining chip, a neglected albeit well-fed wife, or an idiot in a tower who needs some supposedly charming d-bag to come save her.


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