Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and the 7th Circle of Hell


What a bunch of crap. Seriously, why would any of us buy this junk? I told myself I wouldn’t go out shopping on Black Friday. I have gone a few years and fought the desperate poor and the crazy mothers and honestly it was a little exciting. But after I actually bought the stupid thing that I waited for hours in the cold to purchase, I felt like such an asshole. The build-up was the good part, the electricity in the air while anticipating entry into the store. But the savings were just applied to more crap that I didn’t need to buy but indulged myself with anyway. Of course I’m such an idiot that I came back for more in subsequent years before giving up for good. Fuck Doorbusters. A ridiculous word aptly named for ridiculous behavior.

This Black Friday I did go out later in the day because I needed a pair of sneakers. There were significantly less lunatics and I really needed new footwear dammit. I wore my sneakers to the point of no return where both soles were detaching themselves to get away from my depression weight. So fuck it, I stand behind my decision to buy replacement sneakers. Be grateful that you won’t have to see my fat toes or heels in the near future.

I know a lot of people boycotted Black Friday this year. Some because of a loose connection to the town officially known as #Ferguson. Others because they suddenly care about the hardships of retail employees. Well at least until they take too long ringing them up next time they hit the stores. Most people are just avoiding it because it the deals aren’t that great; telling customers you’ll get $100 off something that goes for $200 retail, when you only normally sell it for $120 and now it’s $100 is just a tad misleading. And who the hell wants to go shopping anyway? If a line is so long that I need to hit “load more tweets” more than twice, it’s not worth it. Lines suck, bargains are disingenuous, and being around stressed out strangers is horrific. Thank God we have Cyber Monday.

Well, let’s take a look at the Hottest Cyber Monday Deals.:

Amazon Fire. I had to look this up and to my surprise this has nothing to do with The Hunger Games. Apparently it is a brand of Phones, Tablets, Kindles, Network Appliances, and crap like that. I’m not checking out the savings because I have a phone and I’m not really Walter White so I don’t need the secret toilet phone. A tablet is a waste if you have a laptop and a large phone that everyone including myself now love. To be fair, I loved large phones before they were cool. Go to hell, you IPhone 6 turncoats. I have more video games systems in my apartment than rooms so fuck the Amazon Fire TV. The Kindle Fire? E-Readers are like gym memberships. You know you should read more, but come on buddy. You just want to tell people you have it and you should use it more.  Be honest. You’re not going to take this to the park. The park is going to be covered in snow for the next 4 months and by the time you could bring it there you’ll forget that you wanted to start reading in the first place. And spending more time outside. And no, you’re not going to take it to the gym either because reading on a treadmill makes you sick. Also you stopped going to gym.

Bluetooth Speakers/Iphone Docs/Expensive Headphones.  What, did you have thousands of songs sitting on a computer and think, oh man, if only somehow I could hear these damn songs? If you have listened to music on crappy equipment before and never cared about the sound quality, you probably shouldn’t care now that the high end stuff is on sale. Disclaimer: I just spent $20 on new Bluetooth speakers. I don’t remember the brand name, the company I bought them from, or how much I supposedly saved. My credit card is probably racking up charges in the Ukraine as we speak. I made a huge mistake.

Restaurant Gift Cards. Has anyone heard of any of these places? Here’s a $25 gift card for $5 bucks. You can use it at four places within your state that will be impossible for you to get to because they are completely made up. Okay fine, they are real, but you need to walk through a portal in your closet to find them. Also the deal is only good Monday-Thursday. And each meal is at least $30. Merry Christmas, I hope you enjoyed your stay at the Narnia Bistro.

Clothing. Are you wearing clothes right now? Do you have clothing to wear tomorrow? Good, you’re probably okay then. Buying clothing is always a rip off. People never wear what they buy enough to justify the costs (monetarily or morally). Intelligent people somehow fail to realize that concepts like “in-season” are completely made up and keeping up with styles is a joke and a refusal to look back on historical fashion trends. It’s all meaningless. If you’re a girl, your fellow women will complement your new clothes whether you bought them for $10 at Target or spent a week’s salary on them. And either way they are probably lying to you. If you’re are guy, no one gives a shit what you wear. Stop wasting money. And don’t tell me they make you feel better. So does heroin, come up with something better. You’re happiness should not be measured by your 5th pair of expensive boots, even if you got them 70% off on Cyber Monday.

Luggage. Where the hell are you going on vacation? You just spent all your trip money on luggage. Most likely your new luggage will only depress you as it takes up space in your closet as you realize no one wants to go on vacation with you anyway. If you did have a trip planned already, what were you going to bring your stuff in before, trash bags? I’m sure the airport won’t flag you, go with that. If not trash bags, whatever you already have to transport your crap is fine, and it’s really beside the point because you don’t need to bring nearly any of that shit with you anyway. Honestly, if you’re buying luggage on Cyber Monday, you’re probably drunk. And if you’re drunk you should go ahead and book some more trips to make sure you get your money’s worth. Don’t have anyone to go with? Send a message at 2am to your ex. What could go wrong? I can’t support this purchase enough.

The real problem with Cyber Monday is obvious: if you really needed any of this stuff you would have bought it already. You’re either replacing things that you already have or you decided you didn’t need to begin with. We all have limited funds so at some point we have to define our priorities: I could upgrade to Xbox One, or I could pay for my heat. Seriously, if I really can’t afford the new console, how am I going to pay for games? My common sense chart says I should not buy this. Oh, but it’s $100 off, NOW I don’t have to worry about being poor? If you can’t afford the extra crap you’re probably not missing out. If you are borrowing a friend’s laptop to look up deals on laptops you may be justified in your Cyber Monday purchase. But that’s not you. Or me. Because we don’t learn. Even though we’re probably more likely to spend extra money instead of saving a lot of money today. But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe all of your clothes stopped fitting you, your speakers blew out, and you dropped your phone in the toilet…at the airport, where they lost your luggage. Man, you ARE having a bad day. You should buy a bunch of stuff online, I hear it makes people feel better for some reason.


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