Star Wars Sucks

star wars

Fuck it. I’m bored I’m going there. Fuck Star Wars. Don’t get me wrong, I watched the old trilogy when I was younger 100 times. I bought all the damn action figures and I get all the references to Hoth, Greedo, and X-wing fighters. I went and saw all the new trilogy movies in theatres even though they all kinda sucked: CGI over puppets and costumes felt wrong, Jar Jar Binks speaks for his awful self, and what ever did happened to Hayden Christensen? Oh yeah, he was a terrible fucking actor. Screw that guy and his creepy stare. Still, I own all six movies and considered myself a fan. I’m just full of contradictions today! Anyway, now the new trailer comes out and, honestly I don’t give a shit.

I didn’t even bother to watch it. I know. What’s wrong with me? When Episode 7 comes out there is no doubt I will see it, and mostly likely I’ll enjoy it. But beyond that, the fan boy in me is dead. And the internet killed it. Message boards, internet memes and blogs about everything, a lot of it that wasn’t even in any of the movies, but exist in the Star Wars Expanded Universe. It wasn’t always like this. When I was a kid (soda cost 25 cents…) and you liked a shitty sci-fi movie, you nerded out about it with your friends, went home and played with your Boba Fett toy and called it a day. Okay fine, maybe you beat it to Princess Leia in that costume, then hit the hay. But it wasn’t a global experience. Sure, millions of people saw it worldwide, but other than bonding over “cool” lightsaber battles and Han Solo one-liners with a handful of people in your life, it wasn’t too far off from other big action movies.

But odd behavior was always lurking. The cult following of a movie that didn’t need one. Being a nerd about an actual cult flick allows for the obsession of something that isn’t getting enough credit from the masses. But something that is already mainstream? Well that just pushes people beyond the fucking pale. If I ever went to a Comic-Con or any Star Wars Specific Convention back in the day I would have expanded my trip to attend the nearest Kill-Yourself-Convention. Of course that’s mainstream now too, the nerdfest, not the suicide gatherings (I think?) I still have no desire to be there but a lot of people disagree. Now instead of dressing like a Stormtropper and taking your photo with some quirky fat chick you can take it with Natalie Portman. Personally I’d prefer chubbs because she seems less likely to judge me than Ports but again, still what a waste of time. It’s just a goddamn movie, get a hold of yourself people!

And while we’re on it. The movies just… aren’t that good (Yes I’m ducking). Nobody wants to defend Episodes 1-3 so let’s just call them mostly garbage and move along. Now, for the sacred trio. The first one features terrible acting, mainly from Mark Hamill. Which is great that he is the protagonist and we’ll be stuck with him for two more movies. The other thing that really sticks with me from “A New Hope” is how Obi wan is supposed to be some old hermit, but tells Luke some unbelievable stories, then he shrugs off his adoptive parents dying, and follows this crazy old asshole on a death mission. On the way he learns years worth of training and forms a father-son bond with the old hermit in about 30 minutes. I re-watched it a few years ago and all I could think was: cool special effects for its time and why do I give a shit about these people? It all happens so fast. Luke sucks and any attempt to connect Han as friend, Obi Wan as a mentor, or Leia as a love interest (sister smhister) was weak. This is a big flaw that should not be ignored.

I do still like The Empire Strikes Back as a movie because it ends on such a down note. And The Return of the Jedi...well it has Ewoks. I don’t think any of these movies are terribly bad, but that’s not the point. It’s that they are just movies. Popcorn flicks. Harrison Ford did the Indiana Jones films and everyone liked them. They were fun and had adventures, a good soundtrack, and ridiculous characters too. And people hold them so sacred that many refuse to acknowledge that the 4th film exists partly because it’s not believable enough (with those damn aliens) to compare to the original trio. Because the first three were the pioneers of realism with the heart removals, melting faces and the like. But I digress. Nobody dresses up like Indy, carries around fake whips, or buys his action figures. How did the Star Wars franchise become such a successful, disgusting merchandising scam? George Lucas. Okay, fine, but how did Star Wars become such a culturally acceptable forum to revel in being so annoyingly uncool?

A common stereotype that persists in media, if not real life, is that jocks are the ones that hate the nerds. This isn’t true. Everyone hates the nerds. Not the people who just enjoy something that is not particularly popular, but someone who wants to beat you over the head with the allegorical brilliance of Star Wars. Avator was allegorical. Many dismissed it preachy, or too transparent, or carrying secret harmful messages for kids if you are the imbeciles at Fox News. It was a decent movie. But I don’t expect to see anyone having Navi themed weddings because of it. And I like most sane people I couldn’t quote one line from Avator. But Star Wars? It’s not a film, it’s a life choice. Can’t someone just be okay with it without getting all amped up anytime a potential cast member is announced? Am I just too old and cynical now? What don’t I get?

Seriously, what don’t I get? Can someone please explain why Star Wars matters so much? Take off your fanboy helmet and tell me with a straight face that you believe a movie with muppets is a strong basis for political and philosophical debates. Tell me that collecting themed trading cards, tape dispensers, grills, or chopsticks is deserving of Star Wars, or any film for that matter. Tell me that you think Jedi is a legitimate religion. Okay fine, no religion is legitimate, you got me there. I want a thoughtful response that doesn’t sound like it recorded for youtube in your mom’s basement. Will someone please tell me why Star Wars deserves something better than TNT/USA weekend daytime filler status? Because the new film is on the way and I’m already getting sick of hearing about it. Plus I’m sick of seeing Brendan Fraser’s face on TV every weekend. Let’s change this. May the force be with you.

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One thought on “Star Wars Sucks

  1. Pingback: The Asteroid – In Defense of Star Wars

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