Welcome to Minnesota

There is a decent chance that I will be moving to Minnesota in a few months. Which is great except for the fact that I know hardly anything about Minnesota. In telling people of my potential move I’ve gathered that it’s really cold there. Several times over. From watching film and television I’ve gathered people have a distinct accent too. Digging a little deeper I’m hearing people are nice there, like actually kind people, not just fake hospitality, not like the South or Midwest. Note: if I move to the South or Midwest I never wrote this. Also I’ve been never been there so my opinion means nothing. And if I don’t move there. Up yours, sweetheart.

But back to Minnesota. Did you hear it’s cold there? Also that craft beer is big, the cost of living is pretty low compared to the salaries, and The Mighty Ducks was set there. But the real Ducks play in Anaheim, their team is the Wild. Weird.  Still, they probably love ice hockey there because apparently it is… very cold there. As a Boston sports fan I know we stole David Ortiz and Kevin Garnett and that I probably shouldn’t mention that. Also, eat shit Packers. I guess even the friendly Minnesotans can have a mean streak when bleeding purple and gold.

It troubles me how little I know about a place that I could be calling home for years to come. But I realized that with all of potential locations that I might be going, I know nothing about, well, all of them. Here’s what I’ve got so far:

Wisconsin (multiple locations): Eat shit Vikings, beer, sausage, cheese.

Miami, Fl: Learn Spanish, Castro sucks, Jeffrey Loria is a scumbag, beaches, hot, you’re going to need a lot of sunblock, please stop singing that Will Smith song.

Philadelphia, PA: Cheese steaks, like Boston only less repressed, shot and a beer, please stop singing that Boys II Men song.

Albany, NY: It’s also cold there. I wouldn’t go there. I don’t know why anyone would go there? How much are they paying you?

Cincinnati, OH: Chilli on pasta? What the what? Also, it’s really Kentucky, home of the bad guys from Good Will Hunting, under utilized nickname is “Skin-Cincinnati”.

Denver, Colorado: Legal pot maaaaan, everyone there hating outsiders who think they now talk like Jeff Spicoli, mountains, coffee shops, altitude, less oxygen, skiing, aspen/Dumb & Dumber, more outdoorsy than I’ll ever be, so outsdoorsy that they don’t even think they’re being outdoorsy, they’re just living! Outdoors!

Dartmouth, NH: The only place in New Hampshire where people can read.

Washington, DC: The White House, Monuments, Forrest Gump, corruption, protests, drugs, politicians, scumbags, sorry I repeated myself, racist NFL franchise with incompetent owner, start of every X-Files episode before going to West Virginia for the really weird shit, and I would be living in Maryland (crabcakes?) or Virginia (I literally have nothing on this place) anyway.

Atlanta, GA: Hip Hop, HOT-LANTA, wearing church clothes to Falcons game, wait what?

Burlington, VT: Hippies, Lake Champlain, and more craft beer. White People everywhere, cheese, people who can’t stop talking about hiking, and it’s also…very cold. Hey wait, I went there every other weekend for 2 years, i should know something insightful! Nah, Never mind, still the same answers.

Massachusetts (various locations): Big time assholes, traffic sucks, weather sucks, and people are mean. Red Sox, B’s, C’s, Patriots just WON THE SUPERBOWL! (bet you won’t hear that from anyone for a while), cheating doesn’t matter, and the Olympics are the devil. Dunkin Donuts, historical crap, the Walhberg’s are getting too popular, and you can’t get ever get around in Boston.  Everyone hating outsiders who think they say “Wicked Pisssah”, everyone hating outsiders in general, and of course, everyone else is a pussy.  Why wouldn’t I want to stay there?!


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