Bumper Sticker Blues

Mornings are terrible. The good news is that I’m not waking up angry every day. Hurray! The bad news is that within 15 minutes I’m already in a bad mood. Booooo! But why bitch about it; most people around here don’t particularly enjoy mornings. Whether it’s because you hate your job, or the weather, or you’re just sick of the excruciating Massachusetts traffic (and I can’t say that helps) accepting the dull pain and boredom of the daily bumper to bumper is no great shakes. But it’s not really the traffic that gets under my skin every day, it’s the 3” by 11.5” rectangles of wisdom that our greatest thinkers use as the forum to express their vast array of intelligent opinions. That’s right. I am up to here with Bumper Stickers.

I wholeheartedly believe in free speech. And not just free speech that I happen to agree with or that isn’t considered offensive by the masses. Seriously, nothing pisses me off more than a comic or columnist or whoever being forced to apologize because of what they said. Their job is to express an opinion, to incite a reaction, maybe make you think about something that isn’t easy to wrap your brain around. And we censor them? It’s deplorable. Obviously there are things that are in poor taste or ignorant or just coming from the mouth of a real piece of shit. But they are allowed to (and should continue to be allowed to) voice their shitty opinion. Maybe it’s nonsensical or maybe it is spot on but the truth hurts. Either way, my heart might bleed for Gay and Women’s Rights, but don’t assume because I’m voting liberal that I don’t have a sense of humor or that I’m afraid of big, bad words. I’m a liberal. But I’m also an adult. (Mostly)

Having said that, is there a worse group of obnoxious, close minded, wastes of space as bumper sticker advocates? What is the thinking here? “Well, I can’t talk about who I’m going to vote for at work, so every asshole on the road behind me is going to damn well know which scumbag I’m supporting this year.” I always wanted to know what happens when they get to the parking lot at the same time as their co-worker? “Oh just ignore that Obama sticker, I don’t even vote. It’s my buddy’s car. Mine’s in the..You catch the game last night?” And I really don’t understand the political presence on the bumper especially in the big elections. There are only two fucking candidates, if you’re voting I really hope you don’t need any extra signage on the car in front of you on the way to the polls to make your selection. In my mind there are very few people worthy of getting their name of my most expensive possession, and I can’t say any of them are politicians regardless of what party they represent. Maybe if they helped me pay off the five grand that I still owe on the damn car I would consider it. But until then, keep your shitty name and meaningless slogan off my property.

It seems most people who put political bumper stickers are not doing so to support the actual person but their general ideology that goes along with them in politically polarized paradise that we live in today. Putting any Republican sticker on your car means there is a good chance that you will have some other conservative nonsense about abortion, immigration, or unfairly, Jesus, often captured in a the shape of a certain aquatic animal. If you are wearing your Democrat pride on the back of your shitbox you probably have things like “Coexist “or the Darwin Fish as a counter measure. I’m not positive what the intention of all of these are but my guess is to say “These are my beliefs and I since can’t express them anywhere else for fear of ridicule, here you go suckers”. But there needs to be a more effective way of breaking down these complicate issues, no? I don’t believe that abortion is bad. ABORTION IS MURDER. Ok, but I’m not sure I follow you. Why is… EVERY LIFE IS PRECIOUS. Well, I’d have to argue strongly against that. Have you ever met… JESUS SAVES. Yeah, you better hope so buddy. You obviously can’t have real conversations with a bumper sticker but if this black and white thinking based on easy to remember catchphrases is the most critical analysis that you’ve done on the issue, I’m probably better off getting acquainted with your bumper anyway.

People use these ideological bumper stickers not to open a discussion but to proudly state “I’m on this team”. Somehow it’s assumed that using hate speech against your own president is equivalent to “Go Sox”, but still. Whether politicians or athletes they could care less about what you think but you feel pretty good supporting them anyway. So there you go, Bumper Sticks are for supporting your team. The latter tells you that you live in Massachusetts, probably have for at least a little while, and have more than a passing interest in sports. The former can say things like “I’m okay with committing minor treason because I’m irrationally attached to a firearm. To protect myself from the imaginary zombies/terrorists/ninjas who are going to break into my house and harm my family.” And while I am liberal, some of leftist “causes” on the bumper stickers seem like pretty awful contradictions too. “Meat is Murder”: Sure, but I would suggest the ONE MILLION animals that are killed by cars EVERY DAY is at the very least animalslaughter, right? And the bumper stickers about the environment in general are just great aren’t they? A car with an environmental sticker? HUH? You’re not even in a hybrid. Fuck off you hypocrites. If you want to go full hippie, as Freddie Mercury once said to all those fat-bottomed girls, “Get on your bikes and ride!”

When bumper stickers aren’t political or sports (or a band that you like, a place that you vacation, or something about your kid that no one gives a shit about) they are most often attempts at humor. Theoretically this should be some enjoyable to see every morning during rush hour. Sadly, most of them are things like “My Kid beat Up Your Honor Roll Student.” I’ll admit that I laughed 20 years ago when I first saw it but I’m not sure it (or any other bumper sticker joke) holds up that well after years of exposure. Also that whole you should encourage kids academically thing, discourage violence stuff, but really just the overexposure. Even worse are the jokes that were never funny. How is “pissing on” something you don’t like supposed to make someone laugh? Misspelled words because some is supposed to be dumb, blonde, dyslexic or some combination of the three? Asking anyone to honk for almost any reason? How did anyone look at any of these and not just chuckle a little, but think that this is so fucking knee-slappingly funny that everyone else in their community will think it’s a riot.? This is the best list of funny bumper stickers that I’ve found and about a 3rd of them are still sorta lousy.

If you want to cover your beater in stickers to cover the rust then I can’t really blame you. I have one friend whose car is covered in stickers but I also don’t fault him because I know damn well he will argue any of his beliefs with anyone that asks. If you won’t express your views anywhere else you’re either a coward or too dumb to formulate an argument that is deeper than three buzzwords. You suck. Unless you work at Chotchkie’s no one is constantly requiring you to display your pieces of flare. You are inexplicably deciding to purposely ruin the value of your car in a way that would be absurd to do to any of your other possessions. (Anyone slap stickers on their new 85’ Flatscreen?) If you decide it’s that important to you, is it too much to ask that you pick something that is entertaining, or that you at least know what you are talking about? Yeah, I thought so. As usual, while I don’t agree with your uneducated views or your sub-Big Bang Theory level of comedy, I defend your right to express them. Damn.

Oh. And one more thing. Fuck Motorcycles! I’m supposed to watch out for them? Yeah, I watch out for them every day as I sit in dead stop traffic and they weave in and out of the lanes like slalom skiers screaming at the top of their lungs “Fuck the Rules!” Yeah, I’ll be sure to watch them wipe out and keep on driving smiling like The Grinch, as I catch their heap of leather in my rearview mirror. What gives them such special treatment that they can do whatever they want and we have to take caution to protect them? What a bunch of dicks. Still, at least they usually don’t have bumper stickers.


One thought on “Bumper Sticker Blues

  1. Pingback: Welfare Frauds | dayolddoughnuts

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