Recently I had the pleasure of turning in my first ever resignation letter. While it was satisfying to be moving on from a place that I sincerely doubt that I’ll miss (or be missed) and I’m fortunate to be able to leave on my own terms instead of getting kicked out by security Jazzy Jeff style, something still bothers me. I should be jumping for joy, I should be twisting and shouting, I should be grinning from cheek to cheek. WHY SO SERIOUS?! And after a few days of letting it eat at me I realized it’s because… being professional sucks. For years you’re unhappy at your job and you dream about that glorious day that you’ll get to tell your boss to shove it up their ass. And then when it’s really go time, you slink into your boss’s office mutter out “You got a minute?” and come back later with a love note about how much you appreciated your time there and how you wish them well. What a load of shit.

And they know it’s all bunk. They’ve seen you roll your eyes and lean back in your chair too many times to believe you actually give one teeniest, tiniest shit how they or the company does. You never want to see them again. You’ve been bored, underpaid, and bit your tongue so many times it’s amazing that you’ve lasted this long. But you’re still a big pussy who will be turning in a dishonest goodbye letter like everyone else who knows you HAVE to be professional in Corporate America. But this is what I WANTED to say:



The Internet


Boss Lady

Director of Who Cares

1 Waste of Time Drive

Hell, MA 01666

Dear Boss,

I regret to inform you that I would like to tender my resignation as Corporate Drone Supervisor effective 7/7/15. I hereby give 2 weeks’ notice of my intention to leave this godforsaken shithole.

I’ve made this decision because I’m moving away, but if I’m being honest I haven’t been happy in three years. No one has. It’s been mostly awful working with you and I would not recommend this company to anyone. I thank you for all of your help over the past five years; and by help I mean only yelling at me sometimes and letting me slack off 85% of the work week. I wish I tried harder, but honestly it didn’t seem worth it. No one was rewarded for their hard work anyway. I only started to get compensated fairly at the end of my time here and by that time I had already checked out and did hardly anything but check my fantasy baseball team. Thank you for paying me to stare at the wall. I consider it back-pay for when I was young, dumb, and slightly productive. I do feel bad for the people who still do work hard for nothing in return and I hope they catch on to the futility of hard work in America, in particular at your local Pit of Despair

This place was truly an abomination and while slightly improved in recent times, is still running horribly inefficiently. I can assure you that I am not the only person who is aware of this. You might notice that people are unmotivated and may come up with some more catchy plans to get them going, but, come on buddy; you know this stuff will never be more interesting than Twitter. Paying them more might help, but if they were truly interested in only making money they would be on Wall Street dropping dead from exhaustion. This is just a job and like most jobs they are useless and mostly depressing. No one wants to work overtime; they don’t even want to work when they are here. They just need health insurance. Sorry that the younger generation found out it’s more important to spend more time with friends and family than pushing out a few extra units so someone else at the top can get richer. No stranger’s stock portfolio or profits should ever be more important than our personal lives. In fact, I hope they lose all their money and spend the rest of their days banging on an empty trash can in the parking lot.

I’m not blameless in this unhappy partnership. No one made me start working here and no one made me stay. But I was depressed most of the 2nd half of my time here and I was lucky to get out of bed and make it to my desk, let alone embark on a new career opportunity that might actually challenge me. It’s a sad statement that I could not only keep my job here, but receive promotions and pay increases because there are only 2% of the people here left that aren’t completely useless and, as they say, beggars can’t be choosers. The mass exodus of solid workers leaving the company should have been a sign that things were getting pretty bad, but hey, let bygones be bygones. Good luck with your morale problem. I’m sure you will win a lot of people over by sending them home due to the color of their fucking jeans. Never lose track of your most important goal. Which apparently is making people miserable and alienating your best resources.

As discussed, I will available for the next two weeks for training my replacement and I will do my best to lie to them so that you can trick them into thinking they are happy here for a few months until they‘re ready to write you this same letter. If there is anything else I can do, please let me know. But as you are aware I’ll probably just blow if off anyway. The real question is: why aren’t you leaving here too? You haven’t seemed happy in five years. If you want I can help you write a letter like this. I’m really starting to enjoy it. Hey, your choice, though. Stay Miserable, ponyboy.

Eat Shit and Enjoy Hell,




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