Yeah, I Still Wear Cargo Shorts. Fuck Off.

Ladies, let me ask you a question. Have you been somewhere this summer with your man and didn’t have your purse so you needed your guy to carry your phone/wallet/chapstick-that-is-apparently-laced-with-addictive-substances-stronger-than-heroin for you? Well if he wasn’t wearing skinny jeans like you he probably was forcing those items into a pocket that was still way too tight and made his pants uncomfortable for the rest of the night. If he didn’t bitch about it once, that man is a saint. He is also an idiot. Because if he was wearing cargo shorts he could have carried everything in your bag, your friend’s bag, and his own items including his janitor-like collection of keys without any discomfort. So why are we’re trying to take this away from men?

Dominance over the media, the workplace, and women’s bodies. Sure, I can understand why people are fighting for men to give up their undeserved control. But wearable pocketry? Every notable internet site has had to take a position on cargo shorts for men over the past few years, mostly deeming them out of style, dorky, and a true sign of a neckbearded, mom’s basement dweller. And of course there have been a few sites that have played the contrarian card focusing on the usefulness of them as I mentioned above. But there’s one even better point why anyone leveling criticism at cargo-short-wearers should bite their tongues: because they’re just fucking shorts! Who gives a shit? How do extra pockets on the side change this item of clothing at all? Are they still better to wear in the summer than long pants? Yes. Do they still cover your dick and butt? Yes! Do they have pockets for your phone and wallet? Yes!!! And extra storage so you don’t have to force your keys into a double-booked pocket or shift your wallet to your back pocket so you can sit like/with an uneven asshole for the rest of the night. Plus, keeping your wallet in your back pocket leaves you susceptible to all the those pick pocketing kids. Because we live in the slums in the 1800s.

If you have graduated from High School and you still haven’t learned that judging someone by their clothes isn’t cool, then you can borrow a pair of my cargo shorts, I’ll stick some bricks in them (the pocket space is amazing!), and you can go take a dip in Lake Superior. I see girls wearing jorts all the time and I though that went “out of style” years ago. But if it makes you butt look better, good for you. Seriously, whatever makes you happy. Personally, it makes me happy to wear cargo shorts so everything I’m carrying doesn’t feel so cramped against me when I sit down. Is that a worse reason than wanting my ass to look good? Well, I don’t think there is a pair of pants that could help me with that lost cause. But I don’t get it. Woman can wear fedoras, leggings as pants, and bows both in their hair and on their dresses that would be too fucking much on an actual birthday present, but they still get off on criticizing men in shorts with (gasp) pockets on the fucking side?

And it’s not just women. Men are just as dumb in believing that fashion trends are important. If someone only thinks you are cool because of what you are wearing then they are a teenager and as everyone knows teens are terrible and you don’t want to try to be friends with them. If you’re trying to get laid and can’t because you are being judged too harshly for your attire then stop targeting idiots. Or actual teenagers: learn from your fallen brother Jared. Good people will want to be with you for who you are, not what you wear. And most people, good or bad, will want to have sex with you because of what’s under your clothes not what you are actually wearing over your dirty parts. If there is a male cargo critic that believes they wouldn’t sleep with Mila Kunis (or Ryan Gosling depending on your orientation) because they were wearing fucking cargo shorts, please come see me. I’ve got some bricks for you too.

As someone at the point of my life where I’m not looking to get laid or impress anyone with my clothes (or really anything I do) I can’t help but find these critics of fashion as not only immature but actively fighting against society’s progress to stop judging people so much. Stop trying to hate on others to make yourself feel better. If you’re not judging based on attraction or how cool they look, you’re using someone’s clothes you judge someone on how much money they have or how much time they waste holding onto youth and craving status. Grow up and take your insecurity issues somewhere else. You wish you were that fucking comfortable in your own skin. And in those pants.

If you want to dedicate your life to fashion maybe you can try getting people to stop buying so much stuff created in sweatshops, then maybe I’ll listen to your criticisms. Yeah I’ve had these clothes for over a decade. But at least I’m not exploiting even more Southeast Asian slave children every time I get into a fight with a co-worker and go home to simultaneously hit the bottle of wine and your favorite online clothing store. If I have a wedding or a job interview I will try to class it up. But if I’m just living my life then I’m going to be doing it wearing sweatpants, a ratty hoodie, white socks, band t-shirts, skate shoes, and maybe a rope necklace if I feel like really saying fuck you. It will go great with my goddamn cargo shorts.

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