Pass The Gravy or I’ll Fucking Kill You

I’m missing Thanksgiving for the first time this year. Well, I wouldn’t say I’m MISSING it. Wacka Wacka Wacka. I actually never cared for Thanksgiving all that much. If I want to eat a ton of food at once I will, and it sure as shit doesn’t have to be a holiday. On a semi-related note I have no idea how people are able to prepare that many dishes at once. I struggle with two burners at the same time and regardless of what else is going on, every damn time that I’m going to prepare vegetables I need to consult with the internet first. To all those that can pull off this feast preparation, god bless. This year for Thanksgiving on my own I may attempt to make Mashed Potatoes for the first time. Or maybe I’ll just make PB & Js. Not sure yet.   Did I mention that I’m 30?

Food or no food, I think what I’ll miss the most is getting pissed at my dumb uncle. Or my clueless parents. Or really whoever shows up. Every house is the same. There’s always someone at Thanksgiving who gets their information from Fox News, the tabloids at the grocery store, or similarly reliable sources like “thoughts they just put together in their brain and can’t wait to present to you as factual”. Really no matter which way you lean politically, or spiritually, or just how you feel about cats, there is always a relative at Thanksgiving who can’t stick to the script of football, drinking, and food. And then all hell will break loose. Your mother will cry and talk about how the day is ruined, your dad will start swearing and talking about some nonsense that is offensive to all parties there (and probably most human beings on the planet), and if you’re lucky your grandmother will nonchalantly drop an N bomb just to make sure the uncomfortableness of the holiday lingers until at least Christmas.

Now I know a lot of people may be thinking that I’M this asshole based off the things I write, post, tweet, share, etc. Because clearly my social media actions are vital to not only your perception of my but your life in general. Still, I think it’s fair to say that that if you know me I’m pretty liberal, passionately opinionated, and not all that great at making friends or being nice to people as a whole. BUT I’m still not the holiday instigator. I’m the retaliator. It’s true, I may ruin Thanksgiving. Hell, I may ruin my family altogether. But if everyone else just wants to talk about the Red Sox trading for Kimbrel, the Patriots pursuit of another perfect season, or whatever the hell the Bruins are doing these days, then trust me, I’m good. I’m not going to turn a sports conversation into an income inequality rant just because its meaningful to me. But the first time some asshole decides trashing Obama is requisite to passing the fucking squash, then the gloves are coming off man. And I’m not even a big Obama guy.

I just can’t fucking stand ignorance at the dinner table…. unless you are keeping that ignorance to yourself. But they never keep it to themselves. Certainly not on Thanksgiving. And this year should be especially ripe for the picking. This Thursday the hot takes on Muslims invading the US, greedy fast-food workers ruining the economy, and Black people (the nerve of them) picking on police officers will be served up nice and fresh alongside those dinner rolls. Names will be called, ridiculous points will be made on both sides, and one person will definitely try to steer the conversation into their mostly irrelevant passion cause like electric cars or the recent tax payer money spent on the new high school. What does that have to do with anything? Doesn’t matter. They have a captive audience and they are going for it.

Mom will try to get everyone to stop talking but by then everyone will be so full of turkey, alcohol, and stupidity that you’d rather get up from the table and enjoy your indigestion somewhere else anyway. At least you have the next few hours to awkwardly watch football in silence. Maybe Grandma would like to learn the intricate rules of the NFL even if she can’t be bothered with the rules of society since Jim fucking Crow. Oh Thanksgiving.  I hope everyone enjoys their mashed potatoes.

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