Tag Archives: Jobs

I Don’t Want to Go to Work

It’s been a month since I wrote anything here and I could pretend like I’ve been busy and you’re my friend that I really just don’t want to hang out with but…nope, I’ve been pretty useless. Unless you consider drinking too much and re-watching 30 Rock to be useful. Since leaving my job behind and moving to Minnesota in the last couple months I’ve gone through the typical range of emotions from unbounded freedom and optimism about a fresh start to crushing disappointment, sadness, and the compulsion to become forever wedded to my new neighbor Lake Superior. But for better or worse for my mental health and general productivity it looks like I will be going back to work next week. I really had no intention of doing this when I was basking in unemployed bliss this summer but funny thing: I forgot that I still need money. And now that I don’t have any I guess it’s time to start earning (read: looking pensively at the article I’m reading to simulate concentrating at work) that pay check again.

This would be fine if not for just one thing: I don’t want to go back to work. No. I really don’t want to go back to work. No. I really, really don’t want to go back to work. No. I really, really, really…well, you see where I’m going here. It’s not so much that I think I shouldn’t go back to work, it’s that there is no part of me that misses, well, anything about the office. Sure, those moments of reliving Office Space or being in a meeting where someone actually uses the term Synergy un-ironically are worth a good laugh, but I’m okay with keeping them as memories. The paychecks? Never that great, I’ve recently weighed their benefit vs Plan B which involves cashing out my 401k, donating plasma, and hoping that “future me” has something better.

I know that I’m grasping at straws here but I’m desperate. And to be honest, you’re no fucking help. Seriously, for anyone that says “if you are that miserable at the office then you should try a new career”, please consider how useless this advice is before offering it next time. Unless of course you are actually offering a job opportunity to me or another lost soul. You know, an opportunity to someone who has no experience whatsoever in this new and better career because they spent their life doing something unrelated. No, you don’t want to take that risk? Then step the fuck off. Also unhelpful is reminding people that everyone hates their jobs. I’ve heard this so many times but I can’t understand how no one has noticed how terrible of a strategy this is to getting through life. If I ended an unhappy relationship and was hesitant about starting a new one would people suggest that it’s a good idea to just go for it because everyone hates their relationship anyway? Hell, if I wasn’t enjoying my sandwich but couldn’t figure out what else to eat, would anyone tell me “Hey, don’t worry about it, everyone hates their sandwich”? WHY THE FUCK DO WE KEEP EATING THESE SANDWICHES?

It’s not only worthless advice but also enforces this idea that other than a minority of people whom miraculously like their jobs that most of us are supposed to be A-OK with detesting something that we spend 40-60 hours a week. That’s insane. I suppose if we were being compensated fairly for our misery it would less depressing, assuming you either could improve your life in other ways with the additional money, or maybe if you save the extra income from your hellish job you could one day stop going and live off your misery-earned savings. But we know that’s not how it works. Not in this great society. Most of us will live paycheck to paycheck doing something mostly forgettable while repeatedly just waiting for the week to be over. Yes, I’m depressed. Why aren’t you?

I don’t want to go full Bernie Sanders/Larry David on you, but the income inequality going on has really gone from a political opinion to something that actually makes me nauseous and question if working for the rest of my life is really worth it. I think what pisses me off the most is, if we are going to have to do something we hate, shouldn’t we all at least be able to make enough money to pay for a place to live? If you were outlining the tenets of any basic society wouldn’t it be food, water, and a place to sleep for starters? You could argue about where plumbing should fit in these rankings but how can we not even get to number three on the fucking list? In one of the richest countries in the world we have to work for decades to afford a down payment on a place to live? Then work for a few more decades to pay off the rest of what we owe on that home. Then, if we’re lucky, we can finally retire from the place we hate going to (but needed to continue going to go to so we could have a place to live) only to soon have to sell the place we finally own just so that we can afford to live a little longer somewhere else. But, hey, life’s not fair. Yep. Why think about how fucked up it is that someone can make (earned is a misnomer for sure) in one day as much money as you would need to live comfortably for a lifetime when you can rely on cliches to hold down your own class?

But it’s not that bad, you could be making minimum wage. Great, someone is more fucked than me. When did that become the symbol of America? Should I really be happy that someone else is struggling worse than me? That sounds pretty depressing in its own right; that people are so pathetic that the only way to feel better about their situation is to compare them to those less fortunate. Honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever understand the pricks who spread anti-Fight for $15 memes. Well, sure I get it from the rich assholes who actually own the fast foods corporations, but from regular working class folks who say “The cashier at Burger King can’t make $15, that’s barely what I make!” and don’t realize that the problem isn’t someone fighting for their right to a living wage but the vast majority of us who aren’t putting up a fight at all.

I really can’t fathom how minimum wage workers keep going. At worst I’ll be starting a job that pays twice as well and is probably much easier. And if I was actually tempted by this carrot, I also have the potential to move up in the company and make more money; potential that millions of people getting paid too little have no chance of obtaining. I’m not saying they should just give up on life…I’m just saying that I would. Hell, I’m not sure that I’m not giving up on life now. So that probably makes me a quitter. I guess I have to accept that. And that’s the real problem. Maybe it’s just my distorted, depressed, and confused impression, but it seems that everyone else is just better at accepting. At accepting that life is not fair, that everyone hates their job, and that it could always be worse. It’s nice to accept. Accepting is everything and everything is awesome, therefore accepting is awesome. That’s how that works, right? We accept that home ownership for the middle-class is a dying breed, that the Top 1% own more than 90% of the wealth (Feel the Bern!), and that we can delude ourselves that we’re not that poor as long as someone else is poorer. Me? I guess I just need to accept this job so I keep on accepting. Seems worth it, right?



Recently I had the pleasure of turning in my first ever resignation letter. While it was satisfying to be moving on from a place that I sincerely doubt that I’ll miss (or be missed) and I’m fortunate to be able to leave on my own terms instead of getting kicked out by security Jazzy Jeff style, something still bothers me. I should be jumping for joy, I should be twisting and shouting, I should be grinning from cheek to cheek. WHY SO SERIOUS?! And after a few days of letting it eat at me I realized it’s because… being professional sucks. For years you’re unhappy at your job and you dream about that glorious day that you’ll get to tell your boss to shove it up their ass. And then when it’s really go time, you slink into your boss’s office mutter out “You got a minute?” and come back later with a love note about how much you appreciated your time there and how you wish them well. What a load of shit.

And they know it’s all bunk. They’ve seen you roll your eyes and lean back in your chair too many times to believe you actually give one teeniest, tiniest shit how they or the company does. You never want to see them again. You’ve been bored, underpaid, and bit your tongue so many times it’s amazing that you’ve lasted this long. But you’re still a big pussy who will be turning in a dishonest goodbye letter like everyone else who knows you HAVE to be professional in Corporate America. But this is what I WANTED to say:



The Internet


Boss Lady

Director of Who Cares

1 Waste of Time Drive

Hell, MA 01666

Dear Boss,

I regret to inform you that I would like to tender my resignation as Corporate Drone Supervisor effective 7/7/15. I hereby give 2 weeks’ notice of my intention to leave this godforsaken shithole.

I’ve made this decision because I’m moving away, but if I’m being honest I haven’t been happy in three years. No one has. It’s been mostly awful working with you and I would not recommend this company to anyone. I thank you for all of your help over the past five years; and by help I mean only yelling at me sometimes and letting me slack off 85% of the work week. I wish I tried harder, but honestly it didn’t seem worth it. No one was rewarded for their hard work anyway. I only started to get compensated fairly at the end of my time here and by that time I had already checked out and did hardly anything but check my fantasy baseball team. Thank you for paying me to stare at the wall. I consider it back-pay for when I was young, dumb, and slightly productive. I do feel bad for the people who still do work hard for nothing in return and I hope they catch on to the futility of hard work in America, in particular at your local Pit of Despair

This place was truly an abomination and while slightly improved in recent times, is still running horribly inefficiently. I can assure you that I am not the only person who is aware of this. You might notice that people are unmotivated and may come up with some more catchy plans to get them going, but, come on buddy; you know this stuff will never be more interesting than Twitter. Paying them more might help, but if they were truly interested in only making money they would be on Wall Street dropping dead from exhaustion. This is just a job and like most jobs they are useless and mostly depressing. No one wants to work overtime; they don’t even want to work when they are here. They just need health insurance. Sorry that the younger generation found out it’s more important to spend more time with friends and family than pushing out a few extra units so someone else at the top can get richer. No stranger’s stock portfolio or profits should ever be more important than our personal lives. In fact, I hope they lose all their money and spend the rest of their days banging on an empty trash can in the parking lot.

I’m not blameless in this unhappy partnership. No one made me start working here and no one made me stay. But I was depressed most of the 2nd half of my time here and I was lucky to get out of bed and make it to my desk, let alone embark on a new career opportunity that might actually challenge me. It’s a sad statement that I could not only keep my job here, but receive promotions and pay increases because there are only 2% of the people here left that aren’t completely useless and, as they say, beggars can’t be choosers. The mass exodus of solid workers leaving the company should have been a sign that things were getting pretty bad, but hey, let bygones be bygones. Good luck with your morale problem. I’m sure you will win a lot of people over by sending them home due to the color of their fucking jeans. Never lose track of your most important goal. Which apparently is making people miserable and alienating your best resources.

As discussed, I will available for the next two weeks for training my replacement and I will do my best to lie to them so that you can trick them into thinking they are happy here for a few months until they‘re ready to write you this same letter. If there is anything else I can do, please let me know. But as you are aware I’ll probably just blow if off anyway. The real question is: why aren’t you leaving here too? You haven’t seemed happy in five years. If you want I can help you write a letter like this. I’m really starting to enjoy it. Hey, your choice, though. Stay Miserable, ponyboy.

Eat Shit and Enjoy Hell,